A mini mountain expedition in the Alps

 It has been two weeks since Karin and I went on a mini epic traversing through the Alps. Almost everything which could go wrong went wrong; starting with missing my bus from Geneva airport to Chamonix and Karin running out of fuel 100kms from Chamonix. Setting us both back a few hours whilst we were under time pressure to do the full 180km Tour de Mt Blanc loop already. Add a broken bike and last minute repairs at a busy bike shop (who were kind of us to prioritise us) in the mix and we set off at 6pm heading for the hills (aka mountains). Following an already eventful day, a less than ideal route choice meant that we ended up having to turn back down the mountain in the dark. Crashing at the first hotel we could find only 5 km’s further from where we started after 5 tough hike a bike hours.

Karin and I both have the ability to see humour in situations when no one else can,

which is one of the big strengths of our friendship. Both being stubborn and opinionated we can have the most heated discussions but there is also a mutual unspoken trust and respect through which we can support each other during the toughest of times. Karin was therefore my first choice when I was getting a team together for the Saikalako Expedition. On top of our ability to work well together under pressure which we proved by unexpectedly jumping on the podium during the Grandraid Nisramont adventure race in Belgium, Karin also adds great navigation and problem solving skills to the team which will be detrimental to the success of our expedition having to face extreme circumstances in remote parts of Nepal not many people have crossed yet.

The Saikalako expedition 

In our three day adventure in the Alps we learned a lot. Our fully loaded bikes felt a few kilo’s to heavy when we were pushing it up 40 degree gradients over technical terrain for hours on end. Pulling and pushing over tree roots, squeezing in between trees and navigating big rocks. It was simply madness. We had one day of pure weather bliss, with blue sky’s and endless mountain views which did make the suffering a little easier! After careful negotiation and local’s advise we redirected our route away from the col’s which were covered waist deep in snow and proved impossible for us to safely pass without ice axes and crampons. Even some of the lower slopes proved quite a challenge having to overcome dangerous sections covered in snow. At one point we were faced with a 300m traverse over 45 degree angled snowy slope with only room enough for one foot at a time. If we had to turn back it meant at least 6 more hours to civilisation when we probably had only 3 hours of daylight left. If we traversed we would have only two more hours to a bed and some chill time. (by this point we had been moving for 8 hours already) But a slip meant a hospital visit, or at best losing a bike. When I look back I find it quite amazing how very quickly we came up with a plan. Actually let me rephrase that, Karin came up with a plan and I completely agreed. We took all the kit of the bikes and brought that over to the other side first. Then we went back and brought the bikes over on our backs. I still struggled with proprioception in my left leg after my back injury. And although I knew both my legs were so much stronger, I still didn’t trust my stability to carry 10-12kg of wobbly load on my back over slippery narrow terrain. Without any hesitation Karin said she would do both bikes. I would meet her where the snow line stopped carrying the bike to the top from there, whilst she would go back for the second bike. We managed to turn quite a tricky situation in something reasonably simple by breaking it down in segments. And we felt quite impressed with our own problem solving skills and strength to make it happen.

The mighty traverse 

The day was not smooth sailing from here though, having to climb up what seemed to be a river and negotiating fallen trees in the most inconvenient places. A little exhausted we arrived at a little village searching for a bed at the cheapest rate doing a full loop of the town, with our smelly clothes and sun burned faces, only to repeat that loop again to find a kitchen that would still serve us food! 

making things difficult in the final kms of the day!

The weather forecast for the next day was atrocious with thunderstorm and rain for most of the day. We knew we could not cross over to Courmayeur because of the snow so we decided to go as far as we could go and from there ride back to Chamonix over the road. It was supposed to be an easy day out with relatively little climbing. When we were faced with a massive landslide only 2km from our turn around point we could only but laugh and like we had been doing all weekend face the challenge with a smile! Soaked, tired but satisfied we reached Chamonix in the evening with enough spare time to find a pub for great food and post adventure celebrations.

The last obstacle of the day, an avalanche landslide!

A LOT of hike a bike

Too much snow high up

Although our mini expedition was full with laughter and incredible moments it did create a fair amount of doubt and a small wobble for the Saikalako expedition. It also gave me the time to think about what the expedition meant to me. So often I get labelled "crazy" because of the adventures I choose to do and the dangerous situations I get myself into. The interesting thing is that the fear I feel when I am facing these situations is very different for me than the daily anxiety I feel from the pressures to try and fit into society. The fear I feel in the mountains turn me into a better version of myself, whilst the fear I feel in daily life turns me into someone I do not really want to be. That anxiety suffocates me, whilst the feeling I get whilst searching for my limits liberate me. 

Incredible views

The two hour climb we casually forgot about!!

I was asked by a friend what I would do if I would get a pain flare up during my time in Nepal. It is interesting that in my day to day life it is a continuous struggle to keep my chronic pain under control but I am very confident that I will not have that problem in the Himalayas. The dream of crossing the Himalayas by bike started after having to let go of racing due to injury. For me the project is about being in the mountains for days on end, facing challenges which will push us to our limits. Creating that feeling of not being able to go any further and then taking another step. A journey which will tell the story of three women who all are battling their own demons and have come together through a shared passion. And although a "world first" will attract sponsors, I realised during the days in the Alps that that wasn’t what it was about for me. I actually did not care about the attention it could attract. All I wanted to do was go to Nepal, start the project with Usha and Karin being as well prepared as possible to ride our bikes through the most beautiful and remote terrain the world could offer us. I wasn’t worried about the outcome, I did not want the pressures we put on ourselves to succeed, to not let others down. I did not want the fear of failure. I was interested in the process, the skills we needed to develop, the preparation, the team work during the expedition and if we managed to complete that to the best of our ability, it could never end up in a failure no matter what would happen.

Happiness in the Himalayas 

There is something about the mountains which makes me feel instantly at peace. Life becomes so simple during these type of expeditions. My mind becomes quiet. I am more than ready to step up the training for Saikalako and put everything in place to be the strongest I can be at the end of October when we start our traverse from West to East Nepal by bike.  45 days, 1700km 70.000m ascend non stop and unsupported. Lets do this.

"It is impossible" said pride "It is risky," said experience "It is pointless" said reason. "Give it a try" whispered the HEART" 

Body in mind; My journey with chronic pain

Pain is complicated in nature and after so many years dealing with it, it has become very personal to me. This is my journey to experience, no one els’s. 

One of the hardest things I have found is when people are trying to make me feel better by saying “just race for the fun of it” or “I have bad weeks in training as well”. If only things were that simple.

Explaining what it feels like to live with chronic pain is not easy and I think it is a different experience for different people. Being an athlete, the pain you feel in your body after a hard week of training or the burning sensation of lactic acid in your legs during high intensity sessions, I call that good pain. Chronic pain is a whole different sensation. It feels like something is very wrong.  The best way I can describe it is like a bad tooth ache in my whole body. I call it bad pain. The worst pain is in my legs. It takes the fun out of everything I do. My philosophy however, is that I would rather be on my bike in pain, or be in the outdoors in pain, than be sitting on the couch or laying in my bed in pain. It is this motivation which keeps me going.

Meeting Rob racing Dukes Weekender 

When I look back at my training diary I started having symptoms after the 2013/2014 season when I tried to combine my career as a veterinarian whilst racing at elite level. I got myself into a chronic state of overtraining and depleted my parasympathetic nervous system. Of the back of that I fractured my back in 2015 in a rather benign bike crash. I ignored the pain until symptoms had become so bad in 2016 that I was told not to run for 12 months and only ride my bike at low intensities. Not being mentally ready for this, I stopped running but kept on riding my bike and started training for MTB stage races guided by coach Rab Wardell who tried everything in his power to slow me down. 

Riding the Dolomites with people like Siegrid easing my chronic pain symptoms

I landed at Whatsyourmeta through Rab, where I started working together with James McCallum and physio Morgan Llyod on getting my strength back after 12 months of what I considered as taking it easy.

Running trails is my chicken soup for the soul

My biggest complaint to my coaches both Rab and James, was that I felt like I could not push myself through threshold intensity in training. Looking back now I was never honest to them or myself about the amount of pain I was in during these sessions. I did not want to be told I had to rest because rest days made me experience more pain. No professional could really explain to me what was going on. It was like my body was blocked. With my primary injuries being kept under control with the help of physio Morgan, I felt that there was only one way to beat it and that was to try harder and fight against it.

Last Summer I experienced the worst pain flare up to date which left me mentally and physically broken. I started having difficult conversations with my coach James questioning if the effort was worth it, and what I was trying to achieve. I was so lucky James got never negative and kept me believing there was a way out even if we could not see it yet. Although he always worried about me, he never gave up on me.

It was during this time Rob Friel reached out to me after having read my blog about racing  an awesome event he organises; The Dukes Weekender . He educated me about chronic pain and it was like a light bulb went on. A million messages, a few phone calls, and a couple of meetings followed. To me Rob is worth his weight in gold. It was like a whole new world opened up. The three key things which made me understand my pain were these;

 1: The brain produces pain as a response to anything that can form a threat to the body, not just physical stressors but also mental stressors, it produces pain in an attempt to protect the body. It relies on previous experiences to decide how much pain to produce.

 2: Pain is not directly related to the amount of physical damage 

 3: Chronic pain often leads to central sensitisation. Which means that the nervous system gets regulated in a persistent state of high reactivity. This state of reactivity lowers the threshold for what causes pain and comes to maintain pain even after the initially injury might have healed.

The way I had been dealing with my pain only caused for more symptoms. On top of a stressful job as an equine veterinarian I had been overloading my body with high intensity training sessions in an attempt to “overcome” my lack of performance. With a central nervous system which was screaming at me to slow down by producing more and more pain. Once I realised that there was a reason for what was going on with me which had nothing to do with my ability, (or in my head lack of ability) as an athlete it was much easier to accept that I had to change my approach.

one day I will get back to this

Understanding where my pain was coming from was the easy part, how to desensitise my central nervous system is the tricky part. Rob and I call my pain “the bear” and the key is to poke the bear enough to make him pay attention and stimulate adaptation but not poking the bear to much, waking him up growling causing more flare ups. 

I started to learn about my pain triggers. My job as a veterinarian being a huge trigger, running was another one, and riding my bike at high intensities/race pace. The cold Scottish climate was not hugely beneficial for my overactive central nervous system either. Once I knew this I tried and adjust to prevent flare ups as much as I could. Backing off my training after a stressful day at work. Choosing turbo over riding outside on cold days and being kinder to myself on bad days. On the bike we started doing consistent sub threshold power sessions, giving threshold power and over a gentle nudge every week.

Although running was a huge trigger. Giving it up was not an option for me. So with Rob’s guidance I started with a 2km run 3xweek rehab program. That distance was increased by 10% each week. I was in quite a lot of pain when I first started. Barely managing the 2km. But with Rob’s support I persevered. 2kms turned into 3, 3 into 4, 4 into 5kms. All the way to 10km’s where I am at now. Once I started to run over 5km’s I started to feel less pain. I was able to lengthen my stride and produce more power. The more I enjoyed it and relaxed I run the less pain I would feel. Interestingly with decreasing pain in my running, my overall pain decreased.

My succes at Ten Under The Ben does not mean by any means that I am "fixed"

This is where I am at now. Finding the right balance is a work in progress. I still get growled at quite a lot by the bear but he is not as loud anymore. I am not sure if I ever will be pain free. Which makes me sad from time to time, because all I long for is to be able to move freely. But as frustrating as it gets, I now understand what is going on. And instead of telling myself to "try harder and push through it” I tell myself to “chill out and stop fighting against the bear" And hopefully one day the bear will stop fighting against me. 

A huge thanks to Rob, James, Morgan and Carol and the team at Whatsyourmeta for the endless support and positiveness. You really have been my rock. Here is to baby steps forward because I am simply not giving up.

“Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see. It is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly “You got this. Keep going”

Ten Under The Ben; putting things in perspective

I wanted to write an upbeat blog about overcoming my racing demons at Ten Under The Ben last weekend but after the devastating news of Chris Stirling’s passing, I find myself staring at my computer screen lost for words. But I am going to try.

I have always felt that my ability to turn adversity into something positive was my biggest strength, always looking for a silver lining some how, but lately with age and some of the more recents happenings I have found myself often wondering “what good can come of this?” 

I entered Ten under the Ben, a 10 hours lap format MTB race in Fort William in an attempt to get my racing demons under control. Chronic injury had managed to wipe out my confidence bit by bit and continuous disappointments in my own performance over the last few years had progressed into a lost battle before I even made it to the start line. How could something I loved doing so much make me feel so low at the same time?

I woke up early listening to the rain clattering against the window on race morning with that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach. And the excuses I have used to pull out of races so many times started to accumulate in my head. “My longest ride has only been 3 hours over the winter and now I have to do 10, I am not fit enough” “I am too tired” “I dont feel well” and the thought of the pain I had to endure riding my bike for 10 hours started to make me feel anxious. So why line up? 

 I knew that if I did want to get back into racing I had to overcome this. That the only way to get some race fitness back again was racing. That ultimately this was my passion and I wasn’t ready to let go of it. If there was such a thing as "racers block" I was certainly suffering from it.

Michael who generally does not interfere with my racing had heard this all before, but he also knew how much it meant to me and that I would be disappointed with myself if I pulled out once again. “ just start” he said, “ride your bike for 10 hours and do not care about anything else” He made me promise I would not pull out when I wasn’t performing even if I was coming last.

And whilst Michael was getting ready for a day in the hills, I made my way to the start line. I was so happy to see Paul Cooper’s smiling face when I was aimlessly wondering around trying to find a spot for my box of supplies for the day. He kindly offered his pit. Paul and I had known each other through triathlon racing from when I first moved to Scotland and he knew about my long standing injury history. He had been a good friend to me over the years. “Just go and have fun” he smiled. “you have nothing to prove” 

enjoying the only smooth part of the course!

The course was absolutely brutal, 9ish miles with 350m plus elevation gain per lap, there was only a small section of fire road and the rest of the trails were up, down single track with lots of technical sections to navigate through. No real recovery anywhere. I started at the back and really all I did all day was ride my bike. And I loved it. There was no urgency in my riding and I tried to focus on staying smooth and relaxed. It stood out to me how all the women I met on course were so supportive and I enjoyed riding in their company. At times I wondered if I was coming last and if I was coming last, if I would care, but dismissed the thought quickly because I was quite happy with how I managed to consistently ride lap after lap after lap, hour after hour after hour without slowing down much and really that there wasn’t much more that I wanted to do. It felt nice to just be out there on my own, without any support and just do my thing. 

Chicken soup for the soul

Going on to my 9th lap after 9 hours of racing I was told I only had an hour to complete that lap for it to count. Having ridden a lap in over an hour all day I did not think I had it in me to smash out a last lap in under an hour so I decided to call it a day. Only to find out that I had till 8.30pm to complete the lap when it was only 6.30pm when I finished. I had two hours, not one!! The first thought that came into my head was that I did not stick to my promise to Michael of finishing the full 10 hours and felt a little disappointed!! Luckily he did not mind! Just shy of 120km and 3000m of ascend was a great day out!

suprise podium

Strangely when I found out I had won my category and came 3rd overall female the anxiety I had felt in the morning returned. I did not want to go to prize giving. Preferably I wanted to go home straight away and I struggled to get the negative thoughts in my head under control. What was wrong with me??

I realised that I did not want my performance to be associated with a win or a podium position. For me finishing Ten Under The Ben meant so much more than that. For the first time in a long while I was not disappointed in myself when I crossed the finish line regardless of results. The achievement for me was in showing up, pinning on a number, riding my bike and forgetting about everything else. And I had done exactly that. I did not get caught up in racing, stayed in my comfort zone, nailed the technical descents on some laps, and not so much on others! I had laughed with the volunteers, chatted with fellow riders and shared the pain in the legs over the final laps. Most importantly I had finished with a smile.

Ten Under The Ben training; ski touring in Norway

Earlier this month I made a conscious decision to stop fighting the things which were beyond my control, and try to look at my world in a different light. Be more acceptive. One of the first things I did with that new mindset was reconcile with a friend who I had lost partly through my own negativity. And it felt so good having done that and being able to cherish that friendship again. High level sport often attracts high achieving personalities and we can be so brutally hard on ourselves often not seeing or believing the excellence that other people might see in us. Equally any criticism or feeling of failure is something I know I personally and athlete friends of mine really struggle with. Lacking the ability to just brush it over the shoulder. I see my life very much as a work in progress, taking small steps towards the path I want to be on and turning myself into the person I want to be. 

If Chris’s death can teach us anything, let it be kindness. Kindness towards ourselves, and to others. We never really know what someone is going through. What demons are being fought. Compassion, empathy, kindheartedness is some of the best medicine you can give to someone else and one of the qualities Chris was known and loved for. 

A huge thanks to my coach James who keeps on believing in me when I am not, Michael who never gives up on me, Keith for going out of his way to help me get my tyres sorted the night before the race and all my friends for inspiring me to keep on working on becoming a better human. 

“the human soul does not want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed exactly as it is” Parker Palmer


                                                           RIP my friend

Dreams of adventure

 I can not really remember a time where I did not have big dreams. I honestly believe I was born with them. And somehow having the ability to keep those dreams alive in the most difficult of circumstances. It has always been my way to cope. The ability to dream is my faith. My hope.  Although my sister is much more rational than I am, I feel like she is wired pretty much the same way. She has never been negative about anything I might wanted to achieve in life. And when I, myself, find a thousand reasons why I can not make something happen, she will find another thousand and one reasons why I can. I sometimes wonder where our inherent confidence and positivity has come from since we definitely did not get it from our turbulent childhood life. Having the courage to chase dreams does not mean I am never scared. I am pretty much scared all the time, both in my professional an personal life, often thinking I have bitten off far more than I can chew. But it has never stopped me to try and take that first step. Because at least if I have tried I feel like I have stayed true to myself and will have no regrets.

My sister, my rock.

 Coming back from Nepal was difficult. I missed the people, the mountains and I had promised my physio and coach I would take it easy for a while. Which meant I had nothing much to get excited about on the horizon. Resulting in one of the most severe pain flare ups I had had in 12 months. Thanks to Rob I knew how to work through it a bit better than previously and I knew that it would pass eventually. James and I decided not to have a training program for a while but to just let me do what I felt like. I have never been good at being without goals but I knew I needed a mental break from it all after a pretty tough 2018 physically as well as mentally. 

Mountains have always felt like home to me.

I decided to leave the Sandy Wallace Cycling team for 2019 because I had not much to offer in terms of racing. It added to the feeling of being without any goals and it was also the first time in a long while I had not been associated with a team. Not short after I found two lovely (surprising) messages in my inbox offering some kind of bike support to me, one from Fraser Waters the founder of Happy Cog and the other from Keith from Terraventure asking me if I was interested in becoming an ambassador. These offers had nothing to do with podium results or performance promises and more to do with me as a person and what I wanted to represent as an athlete which was the way I liked it and I found very flattering. 

Meeting Karin for a micro adventure in the Spanish Pyrenees

Having the time to just move for the sake of moving and ride my bike as slow, hard, short or as long as I wanted gave me a lot of time to think about what it was I still wanted to achieve athletically and what it was that really inspired me. With this on my mind I booked a trip to Spain to see my adventure buddy Karin to  go on a micro adventure into the Spanish Pyrenees. Just the two of us. 

learning to become less clumsy on these snow shoes!!

Being out there, traversing the mountains on snow shoes, being out of my comfort zone, actually feeling pure fear more than once and learning from Karin’s experiences in the mountains made things clearer for me than ever before. The freedom I felt was liberating, having the ability to do this with just the two of us, a couple of girls, in the middle of nowhere. Sleeping in freezing mountain huts on hard stony floors.  Reading snow and weather conditions, assessing risks of the route and making calculated decisions, navigating through mountainous terrain with no visibility in a snow storm whilst having this unspoken mutual respect and trust in each other made me feel like a real adventurer. It made me feel very alive and peaceful at the same time.

conquering my fears traversing 40 degree angle slopes felt so liberating!

4 years ago I would have been so worried about what effect this “break” in my regiment training program would have on my fitness levels. Not often wanting to embark on a crazy adventure like this if it was going to interfere with that. My attitude towards training could not have been any different now! Don’t get me wrong, I still very much like physical suffering but I get that satisfaction from long tough days in the mountains just as much as I can get it from doing tough sets at a certain pace or power. It also opened up a curiosity in me. I wanted to learn more about moving through the mountains independently, away from guided groups, off the beaten track and become able, like Karin and I had done in the Pyrenees, to venture out on our own and complete something requiring quite a descent skill set. Making me feel really cool at the time. (looking back at the clumsy video footage of me on snow shoes painting a slightly less cool picture. haha!) 

we collected wood on our way to the first hut to keep us warm!

I have mentioned before that I am a little addicted to improvement, the feeling of moving forward. Professionally as well as personally. My injury had properly hacked into that satisfaction on a sporting level performing more like a cha cha cha dance instead of progressing forwards. But trying new sports like snow shoeing and mountaineering had opened a whole new world of improvement for me and I loved it. 

sleeping in deserted mountain huts

I have always had a bit of a relaxed “it will be alright” attitude whilst exploring the outdoors and in the short 3 years I have known Karin, she taught me so much about keeping risks of failure to a minimum by being prepared, educated and organised. Making big adventures feel a lot more achievable. With this new mindset, new dreams started to develop. 

My passion had shifted from wanting to pursue athletic elitism to wanting to pursue proper adventure. Step into the unknown and do something I had never tried before. My love for the mountains had only grown since injury struck and my dreams had only become bigger because of it. I was after adventures which would require detailed preparation, exceptional fitness levels and skill sets. Adventures which would lead to real mastery. This could be done on our door step in Scotland, further away in the Alps, the Pyrenees or my biggest dream yet completing a MTB expedition in the Himalayas. When I had felt so lost in the last couple of years not being able to identify myself as an athlete anymore, suddenly things started to click in my head knowing what it was what I still wanted to achieve. 

A day ski touring with Michael in Scotland

After 6 weeks of no structured training I had a meeting with coach James about what 2019 was going to be for me. Knowing me quite well I am sure he knew that walking away from big goals was not really in my nature. When I told him about some of the dreams that had started to unfold in my head his reaction confirmed that he was the best person to help me achieve them. Without a blink of an eye he started to scribble down things we needed to set in place to make my it happen. No negativity, no doubts, no “what ifs” and no questioning if I could actually physically do it with my slightly uncooperative body and the issues that came with it. No "problems" for James, only "solutions" and one of the big reasons we made such a good team. ” 

getting some mileage back in the legs after 6 weeks off

A couple of months ago 2019 was pretty much a blank page. And as much as I wanted to stick to that and have some down time, 6 weeks was more than enough for me. I was back at it, getting mileage in my legs and strength in my body. I had started a bit of swimming and a bit of running and had learned from Rob that keeping the mind positive would keep the chronic pain under the control so I was working hard on that. Practicing the habits of the person I wanted to be every single day. A huge work in progress but every second of trying was more than worth the effort in the long run.

Michael loving an adventure just as much as I do

In the past I have seen it as criticism when people insinuated I would never be happy or satisfied. “when will it ever be enough?” Now I am almost excited to say that it probably will never be enough, I love searching for things which scare me a little, which require a certain courage to begin and which put a smile on my face when I am talking about it. It is what life and happiness is all about for me. My bucket list has never been fuller. “You are lucky you can do these things you know, not many people can” yes I am lucky, lucky to share my life with Michael who understands who I am and gives me the freedom to be me, lucky I was born with the imagination to dream big, and lucky I have the strength to chase those dreams. And hopefully I will be lucky for many more years to come to explore this beautiful world we live in until I can no more.

“It is impossible”, said pride. “It’s risky,” said experience. “It’s pointless,” said reason.

“Give it a try”, whispered the heart. 

5 years in Scotland; entering a new year

Just like that another 12 months have passed and I am heading into my 5th Scottish Christmas. I have always found this a difficult time of the year. My gipsy lifestyle causing my sister and closest friends to be scattered around the world which has not made it any easier. It was 5 years ago that I arrived here from Sydney, Australia. With not much else than 2 bikes, a bag filled with clothes and my loyal dog Fynn. 5 years later and my bikes have accumulated to a total of 5, my bag of clothes expanded to a house full of furniture and Fynn has been joined by a collie pup called Macdui. Time is fickle. 

Macdui in awe of his big brother Fynn

I had given myself 5 years to “make” it as an athlete. I am still not sure what that actually meant but I can safely say I did not make it as an athlete the way I had it planned. Often people say “all the hard work and commitment has payed off” when they have achieved something big. All my hard work and commitment did not pay off in terms of medals or winning championships but when I look back on the adventures I have had this year it certainly has payed off in a totally different way. 

most MTB rides in Scotland turn into an epic 

I have been struggling with injury 3 out of the 5 years I have been here. In the last 18 months chronic injury settled into chronic pain. As athletes we are trained to push through pain and I have always felt my ability to do that in training and racing was what made me a strong competitor rather than having pure natural talent. Chronic pain or chronic fatigue are probably not words you would associate with me when you follow my adventures. Yet I have all the symptoms. And I have been dealing with the mental struggle and exhaustion that comes with it. In the last 12 months it feels like I have gradually run out of resilience finding it harder and harder to motivate myself to not fall down that slippery slope of depression and inactivity associated with the cliche of chronic pain patients. 

Amazing ski tour season in Scotland 

It has been more difficult than ever to stay positive this year for various reasons. I have always loved my job as an equine veterinarian but the stresses of the profession and the physical nature of the daily routine involved has had a huge impact on my pain levels causing a feeling of resentment against my work which I wasn’t used to feeling. I got injured in Scotland and I have always struggled with its cold climate making it hard to not point the blame in Scotlands direction. Would everything be better elsewhere? 

I have always had a passion for my job as an equine vet

It has been a sad year for many of my friends losing loved ones and whilst I am someone who always tries to create something positive out of adversity I have struggled making sense of it all. A spiral of negative thoughts only leading to more symptoms and more negativity. 

The beauty of the Scottish Highlands 

I have had such amazing feedback on the incredible adventures I have been lucky to experience this season, but achieving those was the easy part really. The bit in between, my daily life as a veterinarian living from pain flare up to pain flare up, not being able to get any consistent training done, not being able to find a way to control the pain, that has been the hard part. That is where the hard work and commitment has come in. In a very different way than 5 years ago when I arrived here having just finished my first season at elite level. Back then a short run would be 10kms minimum where now I can barely manage 2.5kms and on bad day I struggle to just take the dogs for a walk. My volume of training if I can even call it that nowadays has cut in half, and improvements are measured in pain levels rather than pace or power. I have had to completely let go of my competitive side and measure my achievements in a very different way. Strangely I have been applauded for my resilience during races more this year than ever in my whole racing career. Still giving me that sense of satisfaction which I would otherwise get from a well executed race. 

catching up with Karin always leads to another adventure !

I love adventure, it is in my heart, it is in my soul, it runs through my veins. I love the outdoors, the mountains, the solitude. The feeling of freedom it gives me. Although injured, this year I have mentally pushed myself further than I have ever gone before. And in those moments life becomes so simple, my mind becomes completely quiet. It sounds contradictory but being so far out of my comfort zone, becomes my comfort zone. And I long for those moments of tranquility. 

racing leads to meeting lots of incredible people with the same view on life

I become instantly happy when I think about being out in the mountains or when I talk about races I have done or plans I might have in future. I feel it enlightens me, it energises me and it makes me feel alive. To give this up is simply not an option. It would be asking of me to change who I fundamentally am. 

So I consciously have made the choice to keep going, to get up off the couch and ride my bike with or without pain. It does not come easy. The dialogue of motivation in my head exhausting me at times. It is however a conscious decision, where every day I choose to keep on chasing dreams and work towards them to the best of my ability with all that I am today and all that I can no longer be.  

coach James being charmed by Macdui

Whilst chatting to a client of mine she surprised me with a great analogy of having a tool box to deal with adversity. A good tool box has all the tools in it to keep you functioning. She made me realise I had a great tool box. It fitted my coach James McCallum, my physio Morgan Lloyd, chronic pain specialist and friend Rob Friel, my remedial massage therapist Carol Andrews, my partner Michael and a whole lot of friends scattered around the world inspiring me to keep believing. Over the last 5 years I have trained hard, I have raced hard, I have travelled to remote places to do ,when you think of it, crazy stuff. I have pushed myself to the limits on all sorts of different levels. I might not have the medals to show for all my hard work and dedication but instead what I have to show for it is a lot more valuable. I have accumulated incredible friends, I have made rare connections with like minded people, I have had amazing experiences and made memories no one can ever take away from me. Most importantly my hard work and commitment has showed me what is possible even when things do not go according to plan and to never give up on something you can not go a day without thinking about.

It might only be 2.5km I can manage but they are beautiful 2.5kms!

2019 is about to start. Coming back from Nepal I purposely had no plans for 2019. I thought it was time for me to be without pressures for a while. What I have loved most in my life is that opportunities have always come my way when I least expected them but when mentally I have most needed them. So before I had a chance to recover from the Yak Attack there was a ski mountaineering adventure in Norway scribbled on my calendar thanks to the lovely Fiona Russel, a trip to Spain to catch up with my kindred spirit Karin Sloove which always leads to some crazy project and a few other things I am working on to keep my head happy. 

racing at 5000m altitude during the Yak Attack

I have days where I barely make it through a day of work without crying due to the pain in my legs, and I have days where I push myself over a 5500m pass in Nepal whilst suffering significant altitude sickness, and there are all the days in between. And all my hard work and dedication has paid off to be able to live this life full of extremes. 

"let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray" Rumi