Just like that another 12 months have passed and I am heading into my 5th Scottish Christmas. I have always found this a difficult time of the year. My gipsy lifestyle causing my sister and closest friends to be scattered around the world which has not made it any easier. It was 5 years ago that I arrived here from Sydney, Australia. With not much else than 2 bikes, a bag filled with clothes and my loyal dog Fynn. 5 years later and my bikes have accumulated to a total of 5, my bag of clothes expanded to a house full of furniture and Fynn has been joined by a collie pup called Macdui. Time is fickle.
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| Macdui in awe of his big brother Fynn |
I had given myself 5 years to “make” it as an athlete. I am still not sure what that actually meant but I can safely say I did not make it as an athlete the way I had it planned. Often people say “all the hard work and commitment has payed off” when they have achieved something big. All my hard work and commitment did not pay off in terms of medals or winning championships but when I look back on the adventures I have had this year it certainly has payed off in a totally different way.
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| most MTB rides in Scotland turn into an epic |
I have been struggling with injury 3 out of the 5 years I have been here. In the last 18 months chronic injury settled into chronic pain. As athletes we are trained to push through pain and I have always felt my ability to do that in training and racing was what made me a strong competitor rather than having pure natural talent. Chronic pain or chronic fatigue are probably not words you would associate with me when you follow my adventures. Yet I have all the symptoms. And I have been dealing with the mental struggle and exhaustion that comes with it. In the last 12 months it feels like I have gradually run out of resilience finding it harder and harder to motivate myself to not fall down that slippery slope of depression and inactivity associated with the cliche of chronic pain patients.
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| Amazing ski tour season in Scotland |
It has been more difficult than ever to stay positive this year for various reasons. I have always loved my job as an equine veterinarian but the stresses of the profession and the physical nature of the daily routine involved has had a huge impact on my pain levels causing a feeling of resentment against my work which I wasn’t used to feeling. I got injured in Scotland and I have always struggled with its cold climate making it hard to not point the blame in Scotlands direction. Would everything be better elsewhere?
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| I have always had a passion for my job as an equine vet |
It has been a sad year for many of my friends losing loved ones and whilst I am someone who always tries to create something positive out of adversity I have struggled making sense of it all. A spiral of negative thoughts only leading to more symptoms and more negativity.
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| The beauty of the Scottish Highlands |
I have had such amazing feedback on the incredible adventures I have been lucky to experience this season, but achieving those was the easy part really. The bit in between, my daily life as a veterinarian living from pain flare up to pain flare up, not being able to get any consistent training done, not being able to find a way to control the pain, that has been the hard part. That is where the hard work and commitment has come in. In a very different way than 5 years ago when I arrived here having just finished my first season at elite level. Back then a short run would be 10kms minimum where now I can barely manage 2.5kms and on bad day I struggle to just take the dogs for a walk. My volume of training if I can even call it that nowadays has cut in half, and improvements are measured in pain levels rather than pace or power. I have had to completely let go of my competitive side and measure my achievements in a very different way. Strangely I have been applauded for my resilience during races more this year than ever in my whole racing career. Still giving me that sense of satisfaction which I would otherwise get from a well executed race.
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| catching up with Karin always leads to another adventure ! |
I love adventure, it is in my heart, it is in my soul, it runs through my veins. I love the outdoors, the mountains, the solitude. The feeling of freedom it gives me. Although injured, this year I have mentally pushed myself further than I have ever gone before. And in those moments life becomes so simple, my mind becomes completely quiet. It sounds contradictory but being so far out of my comfort zone, becomes my comfort zone. And I long for those moments of tranquility.
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| racing leads to meeting lots of incredible people with the same view on life |
I become instantly happy when I think about being out in the mountains or when I talk about races I have done or plans I might have in future. I feel it enlightens me, it energises me and it makes me feel alive. To give this up is simply not an option. It would be asking of me to change who I fundamentally am.
So I consciously have made the choice to keep going, to get up off the couch and ride my bike with or without pain. It does not come easy. The dialogue of motivation in my head exhausting me at times. It is however a conscious decision, where every day I choose to keep on chasing dreams and work towards them to the best of my ability with all that I am today and all that I can no longer be.
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| coach James being charmed by Macdui |
Whilst chatting to a client of mine she surprised me with a great analogy of having a tool box to deal with adversity. A good tool box has all the tools in it to keep you functioning. She made me realise I had a great tool box. It fitted my coach James McCallum, my physio Morgan Lloyd, chronic pain specialist and friend Rob Friel, my remedial massage therapist Carol Andrews, my partner Michael and a whole lot of friends scattered around the world inspiring me to keep believing. Over the last 5 years I have trained hard, I have raced hard, I have travelled to remote places to do ,when you think of it, crazy stuff. I have pushed myself to the limits on all sorts of different levels. I might not have the medals to show for all my hard work and dedication but instead what I have to show for it is a lot more valuable. I have accumulated incredible friends, I have made rare connections with like minded people, I have had amazing experiences and made memories no one can ever take away from me. Most importantly my hard work and commitment has showed me what is possible even when things do not go according to plan and to never give up on something you can not go a day without thinking about.
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| It might only be 2.5km I can manage but they are beautiful 2.5kms! |
2019 is about to start. Coming back from Nepal I purposely had no plans for 2019. I thought it was time for me to be without pressures for a while. What I have loved most in my life is that opportunities have always come my way when I least expected them but when mentally I have most needed them. So before I had a chance to recover from the Yak Attack there was a ski mountaineering adventure in Norway scribbled on my calendar thanks to the lovely Fiona Russel, a trip to Spain to catch up with my kindred spirit Karin Sloove which always leads to some crazy project and a few other things I am working on to keep my head happy.
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| racing at 5000m altitude during the Yak Attack |
I have days where I barely make it through a day of work without crying due to the pain in my legs, and I have days where I push myself over a 5500m pass in Nepal whilst suffering significant altitude sickness, and there are all the days in between. And all my hard work and dedication has paid off to be able to live this life full of extremes.
"let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray" Rumi
