St Mary's Loch Triathlon: a new approach to racing

I seem to engage a love/hate relationship with everything I am passionate about. The amount of times people have said to me “why don’t  you just see it as a job” at times I got frustrated with my profession as an equine veterinarian or “why don’t  you just race for fun” in relation to trying to combine my veterinary career with the elite ambitions I have in my sporting life. It is hard to explain sometimes that I am just not that kind of a person, I don’t do anything by halves, I like moving forward in everything I do and sitting still or taking it easy is not my strongest side.

My choice to let go of my elite athlete dream after the MTB World Championships was the right one for me. I have been feeling relieved simply not having to train hard after a busy day at work always thinking ahead of the next tough race on the calendar. But this is a new territory for me, so what now? I still have the Evergreen Endurance triathlon in September on the calendar. To race or not to race. I had taken a descent hit at the MTB World  Championships, mentally and physically. The first obstacle I had to overcome was my broken body, I had ignored my lower back and sacro-iliac problem for so long, it had now settled well and truly into my gluteals with a very angry left sciatic nerve. It almost felt like all the power had disappeared out of my legs which was very frustrating. The second issue was my brain, it had been a month since we returned from France and my MTB was still in my bike bag. Although I truly meant it when I said I was ready to let go of my athletic dreams, sometimes it made me feel like a failure that I had given it up.

I love my job as an equine vet, it is more than just a job to me

Over the last month I have worked with good friend and remedial massage therapist Judith on a weekly basis to get my legs sorted. I also entered an Olympic Distance triathlon which was about 6 weeks out from the Evergreen triathlon in Chamonix.  It would be the test for me to see if I mentally wanted to race Evergreen and physically could push forward to start working on the endurance I needed to be able to finish the “2000m swim, 97km bike, 22km run with a total elevation of 3500m” in one piece.

I deliberately chose a Durty Events triathlon http://www.durtyevents.com/ because I knew it would not be a simple time trial over a 1500m swim, 40km bike and 10km run. The bike was an out and back but there was enough climbing in it to make it more interesting and the run was a trail run instead of a fast 10km on the road. Having raced quite a few of Paul’s events now I also knew that regardless of the outcome it would be fun. It had been a year since I last raced a triathlon, I could not remember the last time I run off the bike and I had done minimal training since the world champs and during the sessions I had been doing I had felt pretty poor especially on the bike. There were no expectations, none. Probably the first time I could actually say that and believe it. For the first time I really had nothing to lose and only things to gain by racing.

The best adventures are shared with the Fynnster!

So there I was at the startline with dog Fynn and Michael by my side and the only fear I felt was for the cold water temperature and sliding into a state of hypothermia after the swim. For the first time in many years there was no fear of failure.

The water was indeed mind numbing cold but I found myself in a little group swimming at a pace which was probably a little too easy for me but it felt good. Surprisingly good! I completely forgot how to do transitions quickly made worse by numb fingers!! I got passed by a few women early on the bike and I talked to myself, basically just with just one word : RELAX. I was surprised when I started catching people on the first climb and even more surprised that my legs did not hurt! Yes!! I decided not to go wild, but stay in the pain free zone and just ride. Even the torrential rain and wind could not change my happy mood. The transition zone was back in sight before I knew it and although I felt like my power was back on the bike I knew I would have nothing on the run. I did not feel any negativity at any stage, I stuck to the plan of staying in my comfort zone and after 10min running I felt more comfortable and relaxed.  The run was a proper trail run, technical in parts with slippery roots and off camper trails. It was a good course. I finished with a smile on my face with so much left in the tank it almost felt too easy. I managed to squeeze into the top 10 female overall over the swim/bike legs but had to let a few girls pass me on the run for 17^th female overall in a decently sized field. Michael was surprised how happy I was “I have never seen you like this” he said “Not even when you have won!”

relaxing into the run

I showed myself that I could race, have fun whilst not being competitive. Somehow racing so easily was a huge confident boost and it made me happy. Evergreen was back on the calendar and I was looking forward to sharing that experience with some great friends!

“What races if any would you like to do next year?” Michael asked me. And I really had no answer, I am for sure done with racing competitively but I will also never be someone who just cruises, it is not in my nature. But the good thing is I am not really worried about it at this stage, a challenge will come my way, it somehow always does, and in the mean time I have a couple of races ahead of me which will be really all about the people I am doing them with.

"Whatever I believed, I did, and whatever I did, I did with my whole heart and mind as far as possible to do so" Jean Toomer

Every teardrop is a waterfall : The Marathon MTB Worldchampionships Laissac 2016

I almost decided to pull out of the world championships after I raced my heart out to qualify and my body not recovering adequately afterwards. I was left feeling fatigued with a sacral iliac injury I was struggling to get rid off. It had extended into my gluteals with shooting pins and needles down my hamstrings. I had not been able to run pain free and therefore cancelled Xterra France, but World Champs was a tough one to decide. The only reason I would not start was out of fear of looking like a fool being so far of the pace of the top athletes. I knew I was more than capable of riding the course, I was just aware my body was in no shape to actually race it.

I was still undecided when I travelled to the airport with Michael. Our holiday was booked and paid for and since we hired a camper van we could easily change our plans and direction. It was when we were waiting to board that I received an email from my uncle Aede with the subject "Alger" which is my fathers name. Immediately my heart sank as this usually was bad news. I had not seen him since 1999 when I left everything behind in search of a happier future on the other side of the world, New Zealand. He would only be mentioned if there was news. He had been suicidal for a long time now with several failed attempts and may be this was the final call. But it was not the case, he was diagnosed with Korsakov disease, a condition which damages the brain cells most commonly due to chronic alcoholism. An immediate feeling of anger took over my thoughts. This was not the future I had in mind for my father. He was supposed to live till 110 like he always stated he would. He would be spending his days all alone when everyone close had abandoned him after finding out the truth about his life. About the hurt he had inflicted on my sister and me from a very young age. About the darkness around his narcissistic personality and the ruthlessness he would go about destroying any one who would get in the way of his ambitions. Including his own children. Instead of being punished for what he had done through loneliness and isolation he was now spared from this living the remainder of his life being cared for in a psychiatric hospital.

My older sister and I were inseparable

I have always refused to be defined by what happened to me in my past, no matter what, I would aim for the stars, following my dreams and living life to the fullest. I always felt that the darkness I had seen, turned me into a stronger person.  But sitting on the plane high in the sky letting the news of my dad find a place in my thoughts I also realised I had become exactly what I never wanted to, a victim of circumstances. I am not sure if the return to Europe after having been away for over 15 years confronted me with so many dark memories and the reconnection with family had opened many old wounds. I felt a certain sadness which I had tried to avoid all my life had creeped into my veins some how. There and then I decided I was going to race the world championships.

I was going to race it as a symbol for what my sister and I had achieved in our lives despite of our history. I was riding for him, my farther. As his brain cells were slowly disintegrating so was his personality and the man who he once was, was no longer in this world. In a strange way it made me feel free. 

Although nerves did take over leading into the race including that horrible feeling of not belonging, I kept holding on to the thought of racing it purely for me. With the strength I gained through life. And as we set off cheered on by many spectators on the side line the race became my journey. I embraced every corner, every drop, every hill, every technical obstacle (even a crash!) with positivity. Overcoming pain, struggles, anxiety and anger, km by km I conquered the course. I thought of my life, my sister, my future and this race suddenly did not matter to me anymore, it did not matter I could not keep up with the main pack, suddenly I felt good enough by just being me. Without having to prove myself amongst a bunch of elite athletes. I knew myself what I was capable of. I simply did not need it anymore, and although it had taken me a long time to get to this point I was finally able to let go. At every aid station I was greeted by Michaels smiling face and encouraging words. The crowd was amazing and every now and then I was overwhelmed by the buzzing realisation I was racing in a world championship in my Dutch National kit

Mission complete finishing in 48th place

The last 10km I struggled and I must admit there were some tears, my body was now pretty much done and on such an unforgiving course I was aching all over. But I was there, and I made it, I saw the finishing chute and Michael, the sound of my name through the speakers telling me 48th elite female. Although relatively speaking this did not mean much since I was so far behind the front pace, it still felt like an achievement. Little old me 48th in the world. Everything came to a halt and the sense of relief was immense. More tears.

I rode the world championships in the name of my father, leaving all the sadness he caused behind on the trails of Laissac. As the world championships course there still will be endless ups and downs to come in future but I will be a victim no more.

one of Michael and mine life time plans is climbing all 4000m peaks in Europe

I am looking forward to lots of adventures with Michael, a new job at the vetschool in Edinburgh and lots of new challenges without putting a huge amount of pressure on myself, it is time to have some fun! I feel like a whole new world awaits me as I am stepping into this new exciting chapter in my life!

 "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have"

"I would rather be a comma than a full stop" Coldplay

One week to go before going on  what was supposed to be a racing holiday with the MTB Marathon World Championships and XTERRA France offroad triathlon race back to back. I was supposed to be super fit by now, that was the plan. After having had August-January off, my body would have been fully recovered to start training properly after spending a week with Nico in France. Which I did for a month and it was great, I was back, or so I thought. Then the nasty flu hit me and I was drained from all my reserves, feeling floored for close to a month. It is ok I thought, many people go through this, it is just the flu, I will bounce back. But I did not. My body had nothing on the flu. Training became a chore, my running pace was so slow it was crazily frustrating. My back, my glutes, my hamstrings protesting my every move. You had to literally peel me off the bike after a 5 hour session with my lower back seizing up in riding position. Stretch, stretch stretch. This is what it’s like to be unfit and get back to fitness I thought, I just have to push through this and it will get easier I thought. But training with a sore and tired body was not much fun. Wanting to be as fast as I used to be but being slow was not much fun. Not being able to do anything about it was the worst part. Because pushing through, training harder, ignoring the signs, I knew out of experience was for me the biggest enemy.

Playing on the bike

I actually needed to learn how to move again, slowly, efficiently, smoothly without any objectives, get the frustrations out of my head. Look after my body, be happy that I could still move even if it was slow. I had to give my heart, lungs and muscles what they needed, find the balance between training and recovering and accept that this year it would be all about moving. Not about pace, power or performance, but about completing, finding flow, joy, passion and overcoming a very negative mindset.

So here I am two weeks from probably my last (and only second) World Championships as an elite athlete, the opportunity to wear the national kit with pride, in an Olympic year.

Such a good feeling wearing national kit

Something quite special. Can I complete this world championship course? Yes, probably without too many problems. The question is if I can accept another mediocre performance, can I go into this race with my eyes wide open. There will be 70ish very elite strong female mountain bikers and I will be battling it out at the back. Even in top peak condition I would only be aiming for a top 40 finish, so really what does it matter? It is not like I am going for the win!! “it is all about how you view things” were Michael’s words. And I am doing my utter best to get myself in the right head space.

Two weeks to go.

“it is not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you are not”

Glentress 7, being pushed over the edge

People who follow my blogs know that I have been really struggling with my races the last couple of years. Fitting it all in, training, racing, working, general life commitments and priorities. I was diagnosed with parasympathetic fatigue syndrome last summer which forced me to have a 6 month break from it all. http://nienkeventures.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/and-then-wheels-came-off-part-two.html In a World Series MTB Marathon Portugal 3 weeks ago, I showed myself a mental strength which I had been lacking and it was one of my most rewarding finishes ever. Unfortunately my body paid the price and I have been struggling with fatigue ever since. Frustrating does not even come close with this what to seem a never ending battle between my mind wanting to push forward but my body simply not being able to follow. And the self-destructing disappointing thoughts that come with it “I am simply not as strong as I once used to be”

I entered Glentress 7 (a 7 hour MTB race in which you ride as many laps as you can in the given time) many months ago as a solo rider, I thought it would be the perfect way to prepare myself for the Mountain Bike Marathon World championships later in June.  3 weeks after the Portugal MTB Marathon it allowed me enough recovery and 4 weeks before Worlds it would be the perfect endurance set. Because of circumstances beyond my control  the race in Portugal ended up taking a real toll mentally and physically. http://nienkeventures.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/a-rainy-day-in-meda100-uci-mountain.html  On hind sight maybe I should have allowed myself more time to bounce back. But the thought “it is not that bad” was so ingrained in me that I just ignored the warning signs. I thought a lot of sleeping and easing up the training the week leading into the race would give me enough rest to get rid of my swollen legs and tired body. “It will be fine” I thought.

I thought wrong. Turned out that my bike recovered much better from Portugal with the great help from Nicholson Cycles than I did. My plan was to start the race hard to practice the MTB Marathon starts at international level and after the first lap settle into a pace I was comfortable holding for 7 hours. I really pushed myself starting hard, ignoring the dead legs and low heart rate, happily reaching the highest point of the course in 2^nd  placed female. The descent started with a steep drop with tree roots and rocks and a sharp turn to the left. I was cruising down comfortably sussing my line out when suddenly  I found myself between two aggressive racing males  trying to overtake who literally  pushed me of my own line resulting in my front tyre hitting a rock and me flying over the handle bars. I quickly jumped on my bike to clear the way for the riders behind me only to notice that my handle bars were on an angle. Male riders were coming up so fast behind me on narrow rocky single track that I was too scared to stop and being crashed into to sort it out. Not ideal to start a technical descent. My confidence hit an all time low and I was surprised how aggressive some of these male riders were. I was riding like a numpty and never really found my flow. For the first 3 hours I was riding in the top 5 with less than 5 minutes between the 5 girls. I knew I would be stronger in the 2^nd half of the race but as I started my 4^th lap I was also aware that my body was not responding, my lower back injury was playing up, I started to feel tingling down the back of my legs and I did not enjoy any of the racing. “What’s the point” I thought. I knew that I was strong enough to be able to finish the race. I also knew that if I would push through I would again be stuck in that big hole of overtraining and it would not do my body any good. I rolled into transition after 4 hours of racing and told Michael “I am done”. A negative cloud of thoughts followed the remainder of the day. I felt like a broken record. Here I was again with a body that was not on the same page as me, creating so many doubts in my mind, making it really hard not to feel like a failure.

My favourite training ground in Scotland

This was not a simple problem that could be fixed by changing my attitude going into a race with the purpose of ‘just to have fun’ as many people have been suggesting. Me not finishing Glentress 7 had nothing to do with too high expectations leading into the race. I was riding with the top end of the female field until I pulled out so I had no reasons to be disappointed with my performance. It was purely about how awful my body felt during the race taking all the enjoyment out of it. I simply did not see the point in keeping on fighting my own body. Racing for me is not about chasing podiums, although it is a nice reward, that is not where my enjoyment lays. For me it is about being the best possible athlete I can be, feeling strong during a race. When I race like that it does not matter where I place, as I simply can not perform any better or go any faster.  But I have not been anywhere near racing that level for two years now. And there is only so much mental strength one can have to pull a non cooperative body through an endurance race. I have reached that limit too many times in the last couple of years. So how long do I keep trying for? keep battling? keep suffering? When is it time to say enough is enough?

Being chased by Fynn and Michael on the bike

After a sleepless night I woke up to a very sunny Scotland. Michael, dog Fynn and I went for a beautiful run along Queens Ferry foreshore along beautiful park trails. Chicken soup for the soul. How lucky am I to have these two by my side. Michael and I had stayed in Edinburgh to meet up with my Ashmei Team mate Owain Williams and his wife Mandy for lunch on Sunday. This is still my most favourite part of racing, meeting other athletes, hearing their stories and the battles they had to overcome. Connecting. I am not sure where I will or can go from here. What I do know is that I love being part of this world of racing, ambitions, dreams, goals and aspirations and I am not ready to turn my back on it just yet.
"And so you touch this limit, something happens and you can suddenly go a little bit further, with your mind power, your determination, your instinct and experience as well, you can fly very high" Arton Senna

A rainy day in the Meda100, a UCI Mountain Bike Marathon World series event

I am very proudly associated with two organisations driven by powerful strong women. One is my ambassadorship with Strongher http://www.strongher.cc/ and the other is my role as creative director for a small but feisty off road female team Aloha racing www.aloharacing.com  Both groups promote and want to grow the exposure of women in sport through the media with the ultimate goal to achieve gender equality in sports. I personally have already noticed the level of women racing becoming a lot higher in the last few years and racing at elite level becoming very professional.

This is absolutely great for the sport. The downside is that it has become a lot harder for a non professional to compete at elite level. For me personally it is not the day to day training which I find challenging, I am a motivated person enough to fit it all in around a busy full time work schedule. It is the lack of recovery I am struggling with. When my training starts to unwind before a big race, I finally have more time to organise everything and find myself running  around to the bike shop to get my bike sorted, washing my clothes, preparing my race kit, organising flights, accommodation, race nutrition and pack everything before rushing out of work to make it in time to the airport. This is my life and I love it, but as my priorities have changed, so has the desire to keep on battling away at the back of the pack of an international elite field of athletes.

Whilst I was preparing for a MTB Marathon World Series race in Portugal in an attempt to qualify for the MTB World Championships, I also decided that this would be my last season chasing the elite dream. Although it had taken me a while to get here, I was finally ready to let go.

With this in mind I felt very relaxed about the days ahead. It was a long travel to the picturesque little village Longroiva, Meda.  I stayed at the beautiful event hotel Longroiva Rural. The service I received from all the staff during my stay was second to none; I cannot thank them enough for all their help. Unfortunately it rained from the moment I set foot in Portugal. I explored the beautiful trails of Meda, regardless of the weather, which meandered through endless little vineyards set around the river Douro. It was an amazing place to be.

Jeff coming to the rescue for last minute bike repairs

Saturday before the race I caught up with Jeff Bossler. Jeff had received legendary status after winning the Cape Epic MTB stage race earlier in the year and it was nice to see his friendly face after spending a few day’s alone. Old Friends made through the MarathonMTB network catching up! We decided that this was what it was all about, riding with friends rather than racing against world’s best.

Exploring the beautiful trails of Meda

The rain never stopped since I had arrived.  So there I was on the start line wearing my summer kit with dry tyres on the bike. Not ideal. The start included the shorter races and when the gun went off it seemed like an explosion of riders. I did not start very well and it took me a while to wave through the field and settle in a little group with another female rider. The course was saturated with water and had turned into a mud bath. I was moving along ok until I heard a big bang and my bike came to a screaming halt. “Race over” I thought. I manually untangled the chain which to my surprise was still intact. However my gears were non-functional and I had to manually move the chain to change gears.70 km’s to go. The conditions were extreme; there were mud waterfalls on the climbs, mud rivers on the flat and torrential rain pouring down with freezing strong winds. The notoriously tough muddy Selkirk MTB Marathon in the Scottish Borders had nothing on this race. I got so cold that at one point I wondered if I could actually finish. The irony of it all, a DFN in Portugal due to hypothermia from a Scottish based rider.

One of the most comfortable kit I have ever worn by Ashmei

A few km’s further I got hit by a small mud covered rock in my face. A sharp excruciating pain took over my right eye and I kept riding with my eye closed hoping for the best. I don’t know how I kept going but I did. I washed my eyes out at the technical zone’s which would relieve the pain for a few minutes. Everything turned into a blur, literally. My bike was barely working and my body was running on empty. The last 10km’s were a never never-ending steep mud climb which felt like riding through treacle. I cried myself to the finish line; all I knew was that I had not given up. I aimed straight for the firemen and asked for help, at this point I had lost complete vision out of my right eye. “Where is your team?” they asked me “I am my team” I answered” Within an hour, my eye was looked at and treated by a doctor, my bike washed by a team of firemen (was I dreaming?) and I was dropped back at the hotel. Big thanks to the Pompiers of Meda and especially the lovely Patricia for being absolute heroes. Back at the hotel I soaked my tired body in a hot bath and felt half human again, “I had not given up” I thought to myself.

When I looked up the results online,  I did not see my name. My heart sank. This could not be happening. Within 5 minutes I had written many emails to the organisers and begged Jeff to help me sort this out. I needed official recognition that I had not given up. After the hell I went through with a broken bike and a broken eye, I deserved this.

The after math, a corneal scratch and a whole heap of mud

After what seemed an endless wait I cannot thank the organiser Joaquim enough for his persistence to prove to the UCI that I had met all the regulations of the race and amongst many DNF’s finished in 12^th place. I was included in the results. 6 hours and 55 minutes of suffering had gained me automatic qualification into the UCI Mountain Bike  World championships. Mission complete.                                   Another chance to wear the national kit at an World Championship

It was not until I came home that I had an immense feeling of satisfaction, not necessarily of gaining entry into the world championships, because let’s face it; I am only a tourist at that level. It was not about that. It was about the mental determination and strength I had shown by finishing this insanely brutal race. And I had done it with no support. A strength I felt I had lacked in recent years, but which I believed defined me as a person. After two years of having been disappointed in myself I finally felt truly proud of what I had achieved.

“It is within herself she finds the strength she needs”

Happy being back in Scotland enjoying some sunshine and friends!

It is all about the journey

It has been 3 years since I turned my back on my job working for high profile equine veterinary clinics on million dollar race horses to pursue my dream of becoming an elite athlete. It has taken me almost 2 years to come to terms with the fact that nothing went according to the plan I had made in my head.  I had lost the purpose of it all to the point that last August I took a 6 month physical and mental break from the sport, at the time not knowing in what way shape or form I would return to it.

my first passion was horses

“Although my dreams and aspirations might disappear into thin air, the chase in itself is worth the journey” these were my words back in 2013 when I wrote the blog for Marathon MTB http://marathonmtb.com/2013/03/28/taking-the-next-step-going-pro/  I have been so focussed on the destination and my failure in reaching it that I stopped enjoying the whole process and my passion for the sport which made me take the leap of faith in the first place!

One of my bucket list achievements, racing the MTB Marathon World Champs

It was not until late December that I started to open my eyes again, that I dared to look back and be happy with what I had achieved. A win on the back off no training in a cross duathlon early January made me realise that I was at a level I could be proud of.  A week with my coach Nico Lebrun in Dignes sparked that fire in my belly again. http://nienkeventures.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/a-week-living-dream-with-organicoach.html It was pure enjoyment, pushing my boundaries and finding flow on the beautiful trails of Les Hautes Alps. Heaven. On the way home I sat at the airport and I felt completely at peace with my life. I was a full time veterinarian in a little place called Kirriemuir in Scotland. I did not work with million dollar race horses anymore; instead I was working with horses who are worth their weight in gold to their owners in a practice where I worked with my friends rather than my colleagues. And no I never managed to get a financial sponsor so I could race as a professional and be the best athlete I could possibly be like I had planned. Instead I was racing for fun but still lining up with the elites and for the first time I felt proud I was able to do this whilst maintaining a full time demanding job as a veterinarian. For someone who never stops analysing everything and whose brain is always on overload, I felt quiet for the first time in a long while.

Ski touring in Chamonix; paradise

During the last 3 years I  learned that it is all about the journey. “my life is pretty cool” I heard myself say to Michael after a magic day ski touring with Bruno Lebeda in Chamonix  a few weeks after my time with Organicoach in Dignes. Bruno is one of the two master minds behind one of the coolest and toughest (mountain) triathlons Evergreen in Chamonix.https://www.evergreen-endurance.com/en/welcome/ Through Organicoach I had signed up for the Evergreen 118 distance, a 2km swim, 95km cycle and 21km Mountain run with a total of 3200m of elevation in September. When I told Bruno I was going to be in Chamonix for a long weekend skiing, he responded enthusiastically that we should meet for a coffee or even a trip ski touring. An opportunity I was not going to let slip by and when he asked where I wanted to go I told him I did not mind as long as his Alaskan Husky Januk could come along after seeing the most awesome pictures of his dog accompanying him on ski trips.

Bruno's dog Januk

“We are pretty cool” Michael replied in his typical dry way. What a day we had had. Clear blue skies, sunshine, beautiful mountains and deep soft powder snow. Solitude. Silence. Serenity. A trip which should have been an ‘easy’ 4 hours turned into an epic 7 hours pushing ourselves out of our boundaries with over 1500m of climbing and 2200m of descending in less than 20km’s. We did not have quite enough water or food with us for such a big day!! “you have been Bruno’d” we were told later at dinner by Bruno’s lovely wife. What a journey it was, absolutely magical. A story to remember created by the connections I had made through the sport. Adding to my journey.

Chasing my dreams brought me to Michael

I have been a gypsy for a long time now, with no physical place I call home.  This is my journey. Chasing the athlete dream brought me to Scotland, brought me to Michael and has connected me with so many incredible people all over the world sharing the same passion. I might never stand on the podium of big races, or will I be remembered for my athletic performances. But all the stories, all the adventures, all the beautiful places I have seen and all the people who have made me feel I am one of their own after 2 minutes of meeting them mean so much more to me and have taught me; it really is all about the journey.

"The journey is my home" Muriel Rukeyser

A week living the dream with Organicoach

Time. There is never enough time. If you want to become good at something you need time, experience, mileage.  There is the well known 10.000 hours rule, 10.000 hours performing a certain task before you can call yourself a specialist at it. This means you have to be doing that task for 20 hours/week for 10 years to become a specialist at it.

I started the sport late in life. I was in my early thirties when I teamed up with a coach for the first time. When I started triathlon properly in 2009 my body had no mileage. There are articles from athletes and coaches who say you can perform well with less mileage and higher intensity programs but when you look a bit deeper into the athletes they use as examples you will soon realise that these people have been doing some sort of sport at high level from their early teens. When I started chasing the elite athlete dream, I tried to cheat time because being in my thirties, time was the one thing I did not have left. I fooled myself into thinking if I just trained that little bit harder, better and longer than everyone else I would make up for my lack of experience and mileage and beat the 10.000 hrs rule.

An organicoach training camp is much more than clocking up mileage

When I first started training I was living in Singapore and Alister Russel was my coach. He taught me how to swim, ride and run. He taught me how to do this repeatedly, week in, week out. He taught me what I was capable off. Every race was a time trial. “If your legs are not burning you are not racing” are words I still repeat in my head in his voice during a race. I moved to Sydney and signed up with Olympian cyclist Matt Randall. Matt taught me how to be a competitor, how to dig deep, suffer and win. Matt taught me how to believe. When I moved back to Europe to pursue my athletic career,  I started working together with Nicolas Lebrun, a multiple world champion in Duathlon,  winter triathlon and XTERRA. He got to glue back the broken pieces after life got in the way of my big athletic master plan.

Pushing myself out of my comfort zone

Coaching is very personal to me. Every single one of those 3 coaches know me better than anyone, they know what makes me tick. It is all in the head after all. I don’t believe in a magic recipe in relation to a training program, I belief in a connection between a coach and an athlete. I personally also enjoy it much more when my achievements are shared with someone who has worked hard at getting there  together with me. And Nico with his coaching company Organicoach offered me exactly that and so much more. With a similar look on life he became a close friend as well as my coach. When things turned ugly we made a pact that we would stick by each other until I would cry from happiness after a race rather than frustration.

It was a joy to train in the sunshine

Nico always stressed it was important for me to spend some time with him and his wife Alex in Digne so he could see me running, riding my bike, and watch me in the pool. When the opportunity arose I left the dark cold day's in Scotland behind and travelled to France.

This trip for me was not about clocking up mileage like most triathlon camps in winter. It was about connecting with my coach, to learn from his experiences and understand what he wanted from me when he asked for a certain specific task. I also learned about nutrition, stretching, recovery and anything to do with maintaining a healthy body and soul in the organicoach style.The decision to come to Digne was probably the best decision I had made in my whole sporting career. Nico and Alex did not leave one stone unturned.

Learning from the master

The mountain bike was a big focus and I rode a top of the range Enduro bike with big suspension to really learn how to balance and ride steep drops, rocky steps and climb up things I never thought possible. It was not about how much power I had in my legs, it was about skills, control and a big smile at the end of the ride. Nico pushed me to try hard and use every muscle in my body to ride things I would usually walk. “Mountain biking is like dancing" he said "you always move your body to find the rhythm”

                                           5min vertical speed test on 30% incline hurts

To improve my running we did a few tests including a vertical speed test to be able to work on my hill reps more specifically and get a bench mark of where I was at. We worked on downhill and technical running, something I had a huge area of improvement left. In the pool we worked on my stroke with the help of video footage. Everything  we did was about improving our communication, understanding each other, understanding what was asked of me and understanding where my weaknesses lay and how to work on them.  I had always felt that we spoke the same language, even if his native language was French and mine was Dutch and we communicated in English! This connection only got reinforced by spending time with him and his lovely wife Alex. I realised he had been able to help me so much in the last two difficult years because of the same way our brains worked.

Living the dream in sunny Digne Les Baines

I spend 7 days living the dream, eating, sleeping and breathing all aspects of the sport.  It was the perfect way to reconnect with my passion for this part of my life again. The fulfilling feeling you can get from little improvements on the bike, on the run and in the water. Working on myself as a person in relation to where I was, what I wanted to achieve and the underlying reasons why. 

Big bikes give big smiles

Organicoach and its philosophy is a great platform for like minded people who have a passion for the outdoors, for sports and who want to live a healthy balanced lifestyle. I would highly recommend Nico and his wife Alex to anyone who would like to improve and learn on the MTB, trail running, in the pool or attempt an off road triathlon for the first time. They accommodate for all levels and abilities. With Nico’s extensive experience racing at top level and Alex’s knowledge of nutrition and health their world of knowledge is second to none. On top of that they are wonderful people to be around with a great sense of humour and the day always finishes with a smile!  

Great group of people who share the same philosophy

A big thanks to Organicoach and its people for a great week of learning, laughing, suffering and relaxing!

"a great teacher takes a hand, opens a mind and touches a heart"


http://www.organicoach.fr/ENG/

Back in the game : The Kielder Off-Road Duathlon

Winning is hard. Whatever level you race at, there will always be someone who can run, bike, swim just as fast as you can and is just as hungry for the win. Although I have not got a lot of victories behind my name, I had to learn how to do it, how to attack that podium, how to race in the zone, its a real skill. Learning how to channel thoughts, handle doubts and negativity. How to eliminate demons. But when it all falls into place there is no better feeling. My first female overall win was in the Highland Fling 50km MTB race in Australia in 2012. I can still visualise every corner, every move, recall every thought in my head and feel every muscle acing when I think about that race. It was magic. Winning is magic. Strangely enough I don't really like competition, I have always thought that I lack what it takes because I will not thrive in a competitive environment. It affects my confidence. That is why I often train alone and like my space before a race. In my opinion I lack the self believe and certain amount of arrogance you need to keep on performing week after week. To keep on bouncing back from losses. To deal with the highs and lows of racing. What I do love about racing is getting it right, getting the most out of my body in the best possible way regardless of where I end up in the field. It is then, when I relax through a race that I can excel and perform. It is then that I can challenge that podium, and when a solid performance gets rewarded with a win, magic has happened.

Over the last 6 months I just run when I felt like it, most often with dog Fynn

January arrived and I was so keen to start looking again at my familiar training calendar with Nico's humoristic comments on a weekly basis. It had been 6 months. I was mentally ready to start again. I had not done any structured training for a long time. An athlete on the side line. I became the un-fittest I had been in over 5 years and I felt like a hairy, chubby race horse coming back from a spell. In December I started slowly "moving" again and I started to think about what I wanted out of 2016. I searched off road races in Scotland and the UK. I found a perfect one in the first week of January. I heard a lot of good stuff about the organisers http://www.highterrainevents.co.uk/ so I signed up for The Kielder Off-Road Duathlon. 8km run, 25 MTB, 7km run. A bit to early may be? No, for me it was perfect, as I was unfit with absolutely no race speed I would have no expectations and just go do my thing. The way I liked it. It was described as a flattish fast fire road duathlon which I thought would take me around 2 and a half hours. Perfect. Nico wrote on my training program "although your unfit, be energetic and race with fighting spirit" That was the plan.

Partner in crime : my dog Fynn and I with our http://www.bigbobblehats.co.uk/collections/all

January threw a bit of a curve ball though with the worst flooding North-England and Scotland had ever seen. The weekend had snow and ice forecasted but I was determined to race. I needed it. So of I went with dog Fynn by myside. I wanted to show up, race, and go home. Un noticed, un known, racing purely for me, without any pressure, just the way I liked it. I layered up with the merino layers from http://flareclothingco.com/collections/womens-clothing which kept me as warm as was physically possible with the conditions we were presented with!!! Good friend Jantiene send me some awesome arm warmers from her web shop http://www.altijdsporten.nl/ which I was very thankful for!!!

Relaxing into my own pace

The weather forecast had not been kidding! I hit heavy snow driving to the event centre on race morning and whilst getting ready for the race it turned into heavy rain. The conditions were freezing and a cold gale force wind made an appearance. I felt sorry for the volunteers who had to stand still in this nasty weather! I am always surprised to see so many people show up for a race in these conditions! My planned 30min warm up was shortened to 5 minutes to keep as dry and warm as I could before the race. Standing on the start line there was the usual friendly banter and I got a bit worried when one of the guys told me my lips started to turn blue! I had not even raced yet!! There was a mention of a change of course from previous years in the race briefing including more hills. Damn.

Finally the gun went off, I shivered through the first run, struggling to warm up, struggling with the front pace and struggling with the steep, muddy, icy, rooty underground. I started to doubt my existence as an athlete. Negative thoughts flowed into my brain. Then I thought, NO. I eased up the pace until I was running a bit more comfortably, and I was surrounded by other friendly athletes cursing the conditions, I relaxed. I was here to have fun. I picked up the pace again in the last km and I was ready for the bike. An embarrassing long transition followed. I had only brought one pair of gloves which I wanted to keep dry for the bike, therefore my hands were so frozen I struggled putting my MTB shoes on and did not manage to tighten them properly! This resulted in me pulling my heel out of the shoe everyt time I tried to really push on the climbs!! Not ideal!

I found flow on the MTB, best feeling ever. The course was not technical but smooth and flowy with some real cool single track and sharp climbs. I was on a mission to catch as many people as I could. It was not quite technical or hilly enough for me to really put the pressure on the faster runners but I was lucky I could see a human dot in the far distance at any point in the race so no gale force head winds and heavy hail was going to stop me from chasing. I had no idea where I was in the race, I had lost count of the people I passed and with mud in my eyes I could not always work out if I was passing a guy or a girl! The volunteers on course were awesome! Rock stars! What a day to be out standing for 3-4 hours to support crazy athletes. Bitter cold!!

Last little hill into transition

On the final run. I was surprised to find I had legs left, it had been since August I last run off the bike. This was good. I stuck with a small group of guy's. "this is good" I kept on thinking "this is good". I had done all the passing from the MTB leg onwards and had not been passed. This is good! The 2nd run was about 1km longer than planned and I started to feel my lungs from the cold and wet weather. The 2nd run was as challenging as the first one and I was happy to see the finish banners, I finished. I was satisfied. "A good race" I thought. A lovely lady at the finish congratulated me "huge achievement" she said. "did I win?" I thought but I was scared to say the words out loud, I looked around me and could not see any other girls. I looked over at the time keeping people, but again I did not want to ask. I wanted to hold on to the happy feeling of having finished a great race and for me at that point in time it did not matter where I had come in the field. For anyone finishing in these tough conditions was a great achievement. Wet and freezing cold I quickly grabbed all my stuff and headed for my car where Fynn patiently awaited me. I generally like to stay for prize giving to show respect for the organizers and fellow athletes and these guys definitely deserved a lot of respect today! But with the bad weather forecast and a 3hrs drive back by myself (and dog Fynn), I decided to hit the road as soon as possible so I could drive most of my journey in day light.

I did play in my head a lot on the drive home, did I win? could I have won? Why was I so stupid not to ask!!. It was a long wait for me for the results to come out to see where I had placed. Best feeling ever : I WON. Magic had happened.

"it's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not"


race photo credit granddayoutphotography.co.uk

http://aloharacing.com/

http://www.nicholsons-cycles.co.uk/

2 years in Scotland, Christmas lights and new plans for 2016

Suddenly it was October again. I had been in Scotland 2 years and what better way to celebrate my anniversary at my good friend Will and now his brand new wife Patti’s wedding. My UK journey began with a cycling trip to France with Will and his best friend Sam before starting my job almost exactly to the date of his wedding day. I also got to meet the lovely Patty on this trip. I embarked on a holiday without knowing either Sam or Will very well at the time but it ended up one of those adventures of a life time, one which I will treasure forever in my heart. Friendships for life were formed and a blog was written;
http://marathonmtb.com/2013/10/29/cingles-du-ventoux-a-bucketlist-experience/

Sam, Will and I on top of Ventoux for the 3rd time that day after which we belonged to the Cingles Du Ventoux tribe

It has become so easy to feel anonymous the way I have meandered around the world. For many years now I have had no physical place I call home or can come home to,  although not short of friends I have never belonged to a core group of people who share history, heck I don’t even really belong to a nationality! To be part of such an important day in Will and Patty’s life felt therefore very special and for me it proved that opening up a little to the right people at the right time could give a certain feeling of belonging. A lesson Scotland had taught me well in the last couple of years.

Delighted to be invited to Will's wedding together with Michael and although Will and I meet each other generally in sports gear, this time I left the lycra home and wore a dress

On one hand it was hard to believe that it had been 2 years since I left Australia to pursue my dreams. http://marathonmtb.com/2013/03/28/taking-the-next-step-going-pro/
Where had time gone? On the other hand it felt like so much had happened, so much had changed, it had been such a roller coaster ride, had it really only been two years?
Will and Patti's wedding must have been one of the high lights of my year after which way to quickly November and December rolled in. 
The day's had become colder and darker, there was snow on top of the hills, the sun had started to play hide and seek (although this is a common occurrence in Scotland) and Christmas had taken over the radio, shopping centres and our living rooms. I am one of those people who would rather skip this time of the year. Straight to January please. Whilst I am writing this blog I am looking at our Christmas tree in the living room and festive decorations on the mantle piece. There is no escaping Christmas living with an idealist like Michael. I am sure he still believes Santa will drop down the chimney on Christmas Eve to bring us presents. There are many people out there who for personal reasons struggle with Christmas and I am one of them. But Michael, and all the lovely people I have met in Scotland the last two years have made it a hell of a lot easier!

With a lack of a family home, for me, home is where the heart is

It is that time of the year again where we reflect, accept and make new plans for 2016. This year was another tough one for me; I am not going to lie about it. After a disappointing racing season in 2014, 2015 was going to be my year, but once again it fell to pieces. After spending the last 3-4 months unstructured training, "moving" would be the better word, I am really eager to start again. Unfortunately my body is still really struggling with fatigue which I have found hard to deal with. My mind and body are not on the same page. Where normally I would push through, reluctantly I have had to back off. If I want to beat this thing then the only answer is rest, and for someone like me this is extremely difficult. I look at pictures of me racing back in 2013 and I wonder, will I ever be that strong again.

Coming 5th Elite female in the Xterra European series in 2013 seems like a distanced memory now

I have found it even more frustrating and difficult to explain it to people around me who try to comfort me with comments like "you are getting older" and "may be it is time to settle down and start a family" I understand it is not maliciously intended but not all people are blessed with that option or is it something they inspire to do. It definitely makes me more stubborn to prove the non-believers wrong, I will be back, age is no barrier unless you make it one yourself.

                                   

                                                           Back to snow on the hills!

What are my plans for 2016? I am very happy to be part of http://aloharacing.com/  again!

Aloha is an off-road female only team , with which we try to inspire females to jump on a bike, go for a run, feel the water and give racing a go. We are bunch of off-road athletes scattered around the world connected by a passion for the outdoors.

I feel very lucky to have http://flareclothingco.com/ making me look good again for 2016, their colourful MTB clothing make a nice change from all the lycra, plus the girls on the team are plain awesome!!

                                       

                                                  The cool colours of Flare

I am looking forward to spending time in the French mountains with coach Nico at the end of January, where I will as he puts it be 'reborn'. Other than a great coach, Nico has been a great friend to me, we have made a pact that we would stick by each other until there are tears of joy after a race rather than tears of frustration. I love the philosophy of his coaching company http://www.organicoach.fr/ENG/ and after two season's hopefully 2016 will be third time lucky!!

The most important thing for me next season is to feel physically normal and strong again. I will have to be careful not to push myself back in that hole of overtraining. I started the sport very late in life and I suppose I tried to cheat time, make up for the lack of experience and lack of mileage in my body by training as much as I could around the hours of being an equine veterinarian.  This did not work, I have learnt a very hard lesson and I am determined to not let it happen again. I am a racer though so off course I have goals for 2016. I would love to make it back to the start line of the UCI MTB Marathon World Championships which are held in France next year, I also have a few Xterra's on the calendar including the  Xterra World Championships on Maui, but it will all depend on how I recover. As airy fairy as it sounds, I have to  find a way to re-connect with my body again!

Dare a little

I am very lucky to have some amazing friends all over the world but especially the ones I deal with on a daily basis and stand by this chaotic roller coaster life of mine. After bad performances

they would patiently comfort me by saying things like “you should be proud of being able to reach the start line of a World Championships representing your country regardless of the results, many people can only dream of that.”  and stubborn me would immediately dismiss their kindness in my head by thinking “they don’t understand.”  But as I am getting older (although I don't like to admit this) and slightly wiser I am also starting to be a little kinder to myself and try to be proud of what I have achieved rather than always concentrating on what I haven't been able to. In the scheme of things when I look back on the last 12 months, really what do I have to complain about? A few pictures to reflect another adventure filled year.

"strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will" Ghandi

Becoming part of Team Flare and making great friends

                                        

                                        

                                                           Showing form on the MTB

                

                                   

                                    Spending numerous adventures with this amazing man

                

                                                        

Being back in Europe meant a long weekend in the Alps in March!

My passion for horses and my passion for sports is equally strong

My first podium for Flare coming 2nd in the overall Bowhill Winter Duathlon series

My first UCI MTB Marathon World cup in Belgium in May, one of the most competitive cycling countries in the World where I raced my heart out and walked away with an 18th place and a ticket to the World Champs in Italy

Slowly reconnecting with long lost family, my cousin Theo supporting me in Belgium and who now has bought a serious race MTB, two Oostra's racing watch out!!

  Teaming up with the lovely Marie Meldrum in Ten Under the Ben and taking out the women's race a week before MTB Worlds

Confirmation from the Dutch MTB Federation representing the Netherlands at the World Champs in Italy was a magic feeling

What an experience racing World champs in the Dutch colours

The most brutal race I have ever ridden, I was disappointed with a bad race for 57th but when I think about it I would probably not have been capable of riding this course two years ago, I have come a long way in the marathon discipline

one of my few podiums spots in a road triathlon, Glencoe half ironman

The mighty Inferno, the memory still makes my heart bleed. You broke me but I will be back for you

Catching up with one of my favourite people in my life, Lexie. If only you lived closer

The first thing I did after cutting my racing season short thanks to great friends I could smile again

Scotland with all your wilderness, I love you

 Fynn, picture speaks a thousand words

Racing the Dutch National Marathon champs after a month off the bike, loved it

Getting to know this super star, Jantiene

what better way than trying a new sport during the winter! picked up a 2nd hand cx bike after Will's wedding

Doesn't matter I am not very fast at this cx business! Thanks to Flare, Aloha and http://www.bigbobblehats.co.uk/ at least I look good!!

                                    

Learning new bike skills, I did manage to ride that towards the end of the race!!

Lucky to have colleagues who are also my close friends

"as soon as I met you, I knew an adventure was going to happen" Milne