I never really mention my heart condition. I am someone who tends to ignore serious things to make them
go away. I figured that if I was able to race at elite level on the MTB and in
Cross triathlon, there couldn’t be much wrong me. I hadn't been to a cardiologist for over 15 years. Any heart patients would
agree however, that once you have had a problem with your heart no unusual heart beat
will go unnoticed, and it has always been on the back of my mind. When the wheels started to come off this season, without
(for me) any obvious reasons, I decided to confront my fears and get my heart
and health checked out. I am relieved to say that there wasn’t any evidence of
my WPW syndrome on ECG’s and my heart has adapted well to training, beating in
an appropriate manner under stress. My heart valve lesion is something which
will always be present and I have to be aware off but I am not using it as an
excuse for my under performance. More than anything the tests showed I should
be more than capable racing at elite level. In my opinion, a 20min test at high intensity doesn’t
mimic a 3-4hrs race though and a lot more comes in to place. Great performances are not always related to good test results and hard training alone.
How it all began with Karen Holmes
This year hasn’t been exactly easy, I came to Europe with
the idea of finding a part time job as a veterinarian and training as hard as I could, trying to be the best I possibly could be as an athlete. For
financial reasons though I didn’t have much choice and had to stick to a full
time job. I looked for a job with enough holiday allowance and an easy enough on call roster to
be able to race and travel at least two times a month. I found a great job, with great
people in an awesome location in Scotland. For me it ticked all the boxes. With
the approaching season on my mind I really wanted to bridge that gap to the
better Xterra female athletes and gave it my all during winter training.
Rain, hail or shine. That saying brought a whole new meaning to me trying to
stick to it living in the North of Scotland. But I did it whilst adjusting to a
new job, new country, and new people with my loyal dog Fynn by my side. With the
help of coach Nico Lebrun I felt I was getting stronger and faster and ignored
all the signs of fatigue, ignored the stresses at work and in my personal life and
kept to the plan. Nothing was going to stop me. I wasn't really prepared for what ended up happening. In my job I am as much as a
high achiever as I am in my athletic life and when I feel like I am not able to
do the best I can for a client/animal, it upsets me. In the same way I feel stressed when I cant fit in a training session or when I
feel like I haven’t achieved my training properly. Early into my racing season it started to
become apparent to me that I had been over ambitious when planning my racing
calendar with races all over Europe. The time away from work, the travel and the pressure I had put on myself to perform well started to cause a state of constant stress which made me extremely tired. Being a stubborn person, I kept on pushing
through, trying to accept poor performances, trying to cope with the feeling of
failure in my attempt to combine my veterinary career and athletic career. When
the wheels came off properly during Xterra France I decided
that I needed to be honest with myself and accept that this was not working. My body was exhausted, I had
pushed myself physically and mentally to my limits. I needed to stop, breathe
and start again.
Exploring the Scottish Highlands with my favourite boys
There is nothing worse for an athlete then to stand on the side
line, to not being able to compete, to let the season slip by. With social
media so present in our lives, there is no escaping the confrontation of races
being won, athletes putting their dreams into reality and records being set. As
much as I enjoy people I know doing well, it is difficult letting it all happen
whilst not being able to contribute. It’s hard not to be disappointed. And whilst people are insinuating I am taking this all way to seriously, this is my dream, my goal, my plan, and at this point in time it has fallen apart.
Finding some peace
Somewhere along the journey I have lost my spirit. It is time
to do some soul searching and remember the way this started. With a passion
for the outdoors, with a passion for the bike, sharing it with friends and
being inspired to challenge myself to become strong, fast and
skilful. In the next few weeks/months I will go back to the basics,
exploring Scotland’s beauty, learning how to relax again, let myself recover.
Rediscovering the feeling of joy it used to release in me. Trying to find some peace. Instead of hard core training I will be playing on the mountain bike with mates,
running along the Scottish Glens with Fynn and gliding along in the pool with
the great girls from DCA. Why? Just because I can.
"The greatest efforts in sports came when the mind is as still as a glass lake.” Timothy Gallwey
