Dreams of adventure

 I can not really remember a time where I did not have big dreams. I honestly believe I was born with them. And somehow having the ability to keep those dreams alive in the most difficult of circumstances. It has always been my way to cope. The ability to dream is my faith. My hope.  Although my sister is much more rational than I am, I feel like she is wired pretty much the same way. She has never been negative about anything I might wanted to achieve in life. And when I, myself, find a thousand reasons why I can not make something happen, she will find another thousand and one reasons why I can. I sometimes wonder where our inherent confidence and positivity has come from since we definitely did not get it from our turbulent childhood life. Having the courage to chase dreams does not mean I am never scared. I am pretty much scared all the time, both in my professional an personal life, often thinking I have bitten off far more than I can chew. But it has never stopped me to try and take that first step. Because at least if I have tried I feel like I have stayed true to myself and will have no regrets.

My sister, my rock.

 Coming back from Nepal was difficult. I missed the people, the mountains and I had promised my physio and coach I would take it easy for a while. Which meant I had nothing much to get excited about on the horizon. Resulting in one of the most severe pain flare ups I had had in 12 months. Thanks to Rob I knew how to work through it a bit better than previously and I knew that it would pass eventually. James and I decided not to have a training program for a while but to just let me do what I felt like. I have never been good at being without goals but I knew I needed a mental break from it all after a pretty tough 2018 physically as well as mentally. 

Mountains have always felt like home to me.

I decided to leave the Sandy Wallace Cycling team for 2019 because I had not much to offer in terms of racing. It added to the feeling of being without any goals and it was also the first time in a long while I had not been associated with a team. Not short after I found two lovely (surprising) messages in my inbox offering some kind of bike support to me, one from Fraser Waters the founder of Happy Cog and the other from Keith from Terraventure asking me if I was interested in becoming an ambassador. These offers had nothing to do with podium results or performance promises and more to do with me as a person and what I wanted to represent as an athlete which was the way I liked it and I found very flattering. 

Meeting Karin for a micro adventure in the Spanish Pyrenees

Having the time to just move for the sake of moving and ride my bike as slow, hard, short or as long as I wanted gave me a lot of time to think about what it was I still wanted to achieve athletically and what it was that really inspired me. With this on my mind I booked a trip to Spain to see my adventure buddy Karin to  go on a micro adventure into the Spanish Pyrenees. Just the two of us. 

learning to become less clumsy on these snow shoes!!

Being out there, traversing the mountains on snow shoes, being out of my comfort zone, actually feeling pure fear more than once and learning from Karin’s experiences in the mountains made things clearer for me than ever before. The freedom I felt was liberating, having the ability to do this with just the two of us, a couple of girls, in the middle of nowhere. Sleeping in freezing mountain huts on hard stony floors.  Reading snow and weather conditions, assessing risks of the route and making calculated decisions, navigating through mountainous terrain with no visibility in a snow storm whilst having this unspoken mutual respect and trust in each other made me feel like a real adventurer. It made me feel very alive and peaceful at the same time.

conquering my fears traversing 40 degree angle slopes felt so liberating!

4 years ago I would have been so worried about what effect this “break” in my regiment training program would have on my fitness levels. Not often wanting to embark on a crazy adventure like this if it was going to interfere with that. My attitude towards training could not have been any different now! Don’t get me wrong, I still very much like physical suffering but I get that satisfaction from long tough days in the mountains just as much as I can get it from doing tough sets at a certain pace or power. It also opened up a curiosity in me. I wanted to learn more about moving through the mountains independently, away from guided groups, off the beaten track and become able, like Karin and I had done in the Pyrenees, to venture out on our own and complete something requiring quite a descent skill set. Making me feel really cool at the time. (looking back at the clumsy video footage of me on snow shoes painting a slightly less cool picture. haha!) 

we collected wood on our way to the first hut to keep us warm!

I have mentioned before that I am a little addicted to improvement, the feeling of moving forward. Professionally as well as personally. My injury had properly hacked into that satisfaction on a sporting level performing more like a cha cha cha dance instead of progressing forwards. But trying new sports like snow shoeing and mountaineering had opened a whole new world of improvement for me and I loved it. 

sleeping in deserted mountain huts

I have always had a bit of a relaxed “it will be alright” attitude whilst exploring the outdoors and in the short 3 years I have known Karin, she taught me so much about keeping risks of failure to a minimum by being prepared, educated and organised. Making big adventures feel a lot more achievable. With this new mindset, new dreams started to develop. 

My passion had shifted from wanting to pursue athletic elitism to wanting to pursue proper adventure. Step into the unknown and do something I had never tried before. My love for the mountains had only grown since injury struck and my dreams had only become bigger because of it. I was after adventures which would require detailed preparation, exceptional fitness levels and skill sets. Adventures which would lead to real mastery. This could be done on our door step in Scotland, further away in the Alps, the Pyrenees or my biggest dream yet completing a MTB expedition in the Himalayas. When I had felt so lost in the last couple of years not being able to identify myself as an athlete anymore, suddenly things started to click in my head knowing what it was what I still wanted to achieve. 

A day ski touring with Michael in Scotland

After 6 weeks of no structured training I had a meeting with coach James about what 2019 was going to be for me. Knowing me quite well I am sure he knew that walking away from big goals was not really in my nature. When I told him about some of the dreams that had started to unfold in my head his reaction confirmed that he was the best person to help me achieve them. Without a blink of an eye he started to scribble down things we needed to set in place to make my it happen. No negativity, no doubts, no “what ifs” and no questioning if I could actually physically do it with my slightly uncooperative body and the issues that came with it. No "problems" for James, only "solutions" and one of the big reasons we made such a good team. ” 

getting some mileage back in the legs after 6 weeks off

A couple of months ago 2019 was pretty much a blank page. And as much as I wanted to stick to that and have some down time, 6 weeks was more than enough for me. I was back at it, getting mileage in my legs and strength in my body. I had started a bit of swimming and a bit of running and had learned from Rob that keeping the mind positive would keep the chronic pain under the control so I was working hard on that. Practicing the habits of the person I wanted to be every single day. A huge work in progress but every second of trying was more than worth the effort in the long run.

Michael loving an adventure just as much as I do

In the past I have seen it as criticism when people insinuated I would never be happy or satisfied. “when will it ever be enough?” Now I am almost excited to say that it probably will never be enough, I love searching for things which scare me a little, which require a certain courage to begin and which put a smile on my face when I am talking about it. It is what life and happiness is all about for me. My bucket list has never been fuller. “You are lucky you can do these things you know, not many people can” yes I am lucky, lucky to share my life with Michael who understands who I am and gives me the freedom to be me, lucky I was born with the imagination to dream big, and lucky I have the strength to chase those dreams. And hopefully I will be lucky for many more years to come to explore this beautiful world we live in until I can no more.

“It is impossible”, said pride. “It’s risky,” said experience. “It’s pointless,” said reason.

“Give it a try”, whispered the heart.