Daring greatly; letting go of expectations

It has been almost a year since I wrote about having been selected for the Dutch Skimo team with the goal to chase Olympic qualification. 

When I read that piece back I was filled with so much enthusiasm, passion and motivation to throw myself in the deep end and compete at the highest level once again, in a sport I had only known for a couple of years. 

I have struggled wrapping my head around on what followed during the winter months and giving it a place. I was not sure how to summarise the roller coaster ride I found myself on. The journey of searching for justification of me being there, participating in a world I very much felt like I did not belong to.

Paul, Allard and me 

Yet here I am again, another year older and a little wiser but with the same motivation, enthusiasm and passion, going  for exactly the same goal as last year. Olympic Qualification for the Winter Olympics in Ski Mountaineering. This time however I have my eyes wide open, knowing exactly what I am getting myself into, determined not to lose myself in the process this time around.

What I love about high level sports, or high level anything really, is that you have to prepare yourself for it, day in, day out. You have to show up rain, hail or shine, there are simply no short cuts. There are no guarantees all the hard work will pay off in the form of podium spots or wins. It takes a certain person who can deal with that. And I find those personality types inspiring, because to be able to be racing at the highest level you have to have both feet on the ground but equally you also have to have the ability to dream and I love that combo. 

I certainly do not lack the ability to dream and neither do I lack work ethic. I love training and I love training hard. What I do lack is natural confidence and I am sensitive to criticism. Even though I do not see myself as old, nor do I see me being older as an obstacle to achieve things, society’s perspective and comments made to me started influencing my thoughts and I started having doubts wondering and pondering “am I too old for this?” 

Those doubts started to become present in anything and everything I did, every training session, every conversation, in every interaction with the national team and my team mates. I showed up at races feeling ashamed of my age. And feeling ashamed of my age started to expand to being ashamed of who I was. Wanting to chase this massive big dream surrounded by people half my age. This feeling of shame also seeped into my personal life and turned into that horrible feeling of not belonging, a feeling which I knew all too well. Self doubt took over everything I did. I had not felt this way since I first moved to France 3 years ago. In the early parts of the winter I became a shadow of the person I really wanted to be and I started hiding from it all. Giving myself zero chance of succeeding. Also a survival mechanism I had mastered all too well. 

my Mixed Relay buddy Jens

I am lucky however to have people in my corner. Even though it was an internal fight I had to figure out myself, having people around who understood, changed everything. So after battling illness, after battling injury, after battling self petty for the first couple of months of the winter, I pulled myself back together and albeit very carefully, I decided to fight my battles in the world again. I took my coach’s advise to go and simply enjoy being able to do this, not everyone has this amazing opportunity. Gain experience, make new friends, and simply enjoy the process without any expectations. At the end of the day it was my choice to do this. Nobody forced me.

meeting Marcella in Val Martello

I decided to race a couple of local races to get some confidence back and then tackle the last couple of World Cups of the season and our own National Championships. I travelled to Italy and raced the world cup in Val Martello where I made friends with the smaller nations of this beautiful sport and soaked up the beauty of the Italian mountains. In the Individual race I got cheered on by the French girls in my last km of the course which felt special. The interesting thing is that it has never been the athletes who made me feel I did not belong. In the sprint I surprised myself with a solid performance and in the mixed relay Jens and I were not far off from qualifying for the A final which was exciting. I went home happy. 

Our national champs followed and I felt the pressure to win it but my sister was there to keep me grounded and it was so special to share the podium in the vertical with her. Another weekend well spent.

Sprint Val Martello 

enjoying days off in Val Martello

when the heart is content

Winning both the Vertical & Individual at the Dutch champs felt extra special sharing the podium with my sister 

The last world cup of the season was in Cortina which was a full week for me, racing all the disciplines. Although there is nothing wrong with coming last at this level, not coming last was my goal. The vertical was steep and hard but I managed to leave a few females behind me.  During the individual I survived a bad crash, a broken ski pole but finished strong only just outside of the top 20. The sprint course however pushed me out of my comfort zone on every level possible.  A big jump  with a wide clearance as the root of the cause. Certain athletes pulled out of the race because of it. I had never jumped before. A crash course in ski jumping in 15 min. At World Cup level. It has been a while since I had been that scared. “Terroriser” as we say it in French. I fell the first time, I only just managed to stay upright the second time and I cleared it during the race. A penalty for missing a slalom gate put me in last place. But I did it. 

Only to have to do it all over again in the mixed relay with Jens the following day during a snow storm and no visibility. Which was probably a bonus for me! . Performance wise nothing to write home about but an awesome experience and I returned home with a clear view on what I needed to improve on. 

I have to say that I was relieved this was the last World Cup. We had one more final winter dance at our local “World Champs” the Trophee the Hauts Forts which I raced with my friend Agnieska. It showed that although my level at world class might not be that impressive, locally however we destroyed the field taking the win by a solid margin.

winning the local Trophee du Hauts Forts with Agnieska 

Adventures with Yann

Spring came and went, filled with ski adventures in the high mountains of Chamonix with my favourite people, I even run into Michael in the middle of the French Alps which made for a nice surprise! I decided not to think about any goals or future plans performance wise for at least a month until I started to feel more like myself.

The problem about feeling more like myself is that I am addicted to progress. I love big goals and challenges and I am inspired by big dreams. Ultimately it is an athletes dream to have a chance of going to the Olympics even if that chance is very small. And I had the opportunity to chase this dream. I needed some time to process what I needed to do to feel confident to attempt it.

My coach Emilio gave me lots of freedom to do what I felt like doing, so I followed my heart. I branched out. I worked on opening myself up again. I met a few awesome adventure girls based in Chamonix who made me feel accepted and took me on some incredible climbing adventures. Including a 10hrs epic which ended up running down the mountain in the rain just before darkness hit. I do not think those girls understand or know how much they have helped me find my feet again. And I cannot wait to embark on winter adventures with them.

meeting Pri 

Alena, Pri and I 

on an epic with Christine 

I mixed up hard training with a few running races at which I ticked off personal goals and loads of multi pitch climbing adventures. I discussed going all in chasing Olympic Qualification through the Mixed Relay route with my team mate Jens. This involved setting a budget aside for it and organising time off at work. I put things in place to improve my weaknesses like a season pass to learn how to ski downhill properly, learning how to jump confidently and ski around slalom gates. I started organising equipment so that when snow arrived in the mountains I would be all set up well ahead of the racing season. Thanks to our team manager Alke we were given the opportunity to work together with a mental coach Vera De Reus who I had a lovely chat with.

Home

life is good 

Yann is an inspiration to me in lots of different ways 

This time I am heading into the winter eyes wide open. After a couple of solid performances during the summer, I believe for the first time that physically I have the ability to belong. Skills wise there is still a lot of work to do. But shying away from working hard has never been my problem. 

During the last few Summer months the feeling of wanting to disappear has become less and less and I am ready to let go of the expectations put on me which are not my own. I am ready to head into the winter with a willingness to work hard, with a confidence I am allowed to be there, with a sense of humour to keep my feet steady on the ground and with a team players attitude so Jens and I can get the best results possible in the Mixed Relay whatever that may be. 

So here I am once again, filled with energy, filled with enthusiasm and passion to get this show on the road. Chasing Olympic qualification with my Dutch team mates. To give it a go. The definition of adventure is not knowing the outcome. Well, this is going to be one hell of an adventure. And this time I am going to do my absolute best to stop apologising for who I am during the process. 

A huge thank you to my coach Emilio for listening, understanding and believing, to my sister Martje who gives me wings at times I need it, to Yann for always challenging me to just be myself and figuring out what it is I want and stand for that, to Yann's parents Christine and Maurice for supporting me and treating me like family, to my friends (you know who you are) for accepting me for who I am, to my Dutch team mates for the support especially Paul and Jens for never making me feel any older than they are! 

And to the company I work for VET-AI, especially the founders Sarah, Paul and Robert for having created a way for veterinarians to work and pursue their passion at the same time. 

                                                      Here is to the fools who dream!

It Is not the critic who counts

The credit belongs to the man who is actually 

In the arena

Whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood

Who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again…

And who at the worst, if he fails,

At least fails while daring greatly 

Theo Roosevelt

"Give it a try" whispered the heart

 

3 years ago I rushed out of my shoe box sized apartment to try and skin up 800m in less than an hour on my ski’s something I had seen on Instagram. I did not have light kit at the time and carried a big backpack with all the things you need for an all day adventure rather than a time trial to the top. I spotted someone in the far distance and made it my goal to catch up to him. As I passed my target whilst sweating and panting heavily, he started following me “hello, I am Yann your landlords friend, do you remember me? I met you the other day” I had no intention to be social as my focus was to climb as fast as possible but Yann had no intention to stop asking me a million questions. Apparently there were not many females around that would “run” up the mountain for fun and it got his attention. 

The picture Yann took of me the day we met

I did not make the climb in less than an hour but I did meet my kindred spirit. Since meeting Yann I have climbed 15 x 4000m plus Mountain Summits including the highest in Mountain in Europe Mont Blanc 4809m. I have gone from never having rock climbed before to doing multi pitch routes following Yann along exposed  ridge lines and up vertical walls. I have skied several 45 degree “couloirs” and started competing in Ski Mountaineering races. Inspired by Yann’s 8 entries in one of the most prestigious ultra trail running races world wide; the UTMB, I started trail running and every year I added distance. This summer I finished the  famous CCC 100km at the UTMB trail festival. I went from mixing Dutch, English and French words in an attempt to learn French, to speaking the language fluently. I moved from my studio apartment to a one bedroom apartment and then to living with Yann in his beautiful Chalet at the foot of the stunning lake of Montriond. I have gone from avoiding Christmas (too many sad memories) to buying a tree the first weekend of December and filling the house with Christmas decorations. I have reconnected with my mother after too many years of silence and my sister and I are as close as ever before. Sometimes you meet someone who challenges you to always be the best version of yourself. Someone who inspires you to learn, to progress, to reflect and keep moving forward. Yann has been that person to me. 

ticking of the 4000m peaks in Europe

Multi pitch climbing

 

following Yann out of my comfort zone 

My preparation for the CCC 100km trail race this Summer was difficult with all the pain I experienced through my spine after finishing the Atlas Mountain Race in October 2022. Somehow everything seemed to fall into place on the start line with strong legs and a back which felt better than it had felt for months. So I went for it! After a year of battling pain, the pain bear was silent and I could push on the uphill as well as the downhill which felt like magic! I was heading for a solid performance. Unfortunately my inexperience made for a few mistakes on the nutrition front and with 40kms left to go I couldn’t hold anything down and finished the last 30kms on one cup of tea and everything I had ingested before that was left along the trail! 

Although I lost a lot of time, I was so happy I had a go at pushing my limits physically and then I had to push them mentally when I couldn’t take any water or food in. It was an experience which made me dream again and made me believe that I was not done yet. I did however need a break from racing and decided not to pencil anything in the calendar for the winter ski season and decide last minute what I wanted to race.

At the finish line of the CCC

Until I got an email from the team manager of the Dutch Ski mountaineering team inviting me to join the selection weekend for the upcoming Ski Mountaineering season. I had 4 weeks to recover from the CCC and train some speed in my legs again after a lot of slow endurance training. I had no expectations leading into the weekend, I decided I would be ok with not being selected. 

Run time trial

When the team managers started to explain the Winter Olympics dream, my head started to spin. Which athlete does not dream of going to the Olympics? With lack of pure speed I knew it was a tough ask to get selected but I gave it all I got. Getting selected was the first hurdle. The second hurdle was turning me from an endurance athlete into a sprint athlete to suit the Olympic Ski mountaineering format which was a 4min sprint condensing all the different techniques you need to have to be a good ski mountaineer and making it spectacular to watch at the same time.

training in Saas Fee with the world Champion Max Drion

 

So in the last couple of months I have gone from finishing a 100km ultra, getting selected for the National Ski Mountaineering team, to working with a new high performance coach and training for my first Ski mountaineering sprint race which counted as the French National Championships held last weekend. 

In all honesty I did not really want to race. “I am not ready” I said to my coach. “You will certainly not be ready but then we will have a starting point” he answered me. Lucky one of my closest friends Katie lived near the race venue and was the perfect person to have by my side to calm my nerves. When I first had a look at the course I choked. It was very steep. There were slalom gates. I had never skied around gates before. What was I doing???? I froze. I did not eat or drink all morning. I did not properly warm up. And suddenly I stood on the start line with a race official telling me “1,2, 3 GO!”

going around the diamonds

And off I went as fast as I could, skin up a vertical climb, around the “diamond” turns, first transition, skis off and on my back, run up as fast I could, second transition skis back on my feet, back skinning around the diamond turns, faster, faster, faster, third transition: from skin to ski, and down I went around the gates finishing with ski cross rollers, a tight right hand corner and into the finish line, 4min and a bit with the biggest smile on my face. This was fun!! 

first time around the gates

boot pack

The Olympic format, a standardised loop with 80m vertical gain, 3 transitions, a boot pack and a downhill. A 3-4min all out effort which is repeated several times through qualifying, heats, quarter finals, semi finals and finals. I never thought I would love this as much as I did as it is far fetched from the adventure that made me fall in love with ski mountaineering in the first place, however it is very focussed on all the techniques you need to nail to be any good at this sport and safe in the mountains. I have always gravitated to sporting disciplines which is so much more than physical talent but rewards skills and mental strength. 

This winter season it is all about getting as much experience as possible at world cup level, I will therefore race all the disciplines, from the sprint, the vertical km, the individual (a 2hrs loop with 1500m of vertical gain) to the mixed relay (a slightly longer version of the sprint with a male team mate). I will be racing 5 international races including the Dutch national champs from January to April. Going from a 10-20 hour effort to a 4min-2hrs effort will need a bit of adjustment and my only goal this season is to show improvement as the season progresses.

lucky to have someone who pushes me every single day to be a little bit better than the day before 

Winter season 2024/2025 is where Olympic Qualification will begin and I will be committed to race all the World Cups to gain as many points possible to not only qualify the Netherlands but I will also try and be the person our national federation will send to the Olympics to represent the sport in Cortina D’Ampezzo 2026. I am fully committed to give this all I have got. 

Over the years I have represented the Netherlands in Equestrian (as a junior), in Mountain Biking and Triathlon and never did I think I would be chasing the Olympic dream this late in life in a sport completely new to me! People will think I am crazy, people will think I am too old, people will think I am wasting my time. But I am a dreamer through and through and although a lot of my aspirations and dreams disappear into thin air, the chase is worth the journey. Even if I fail to reach my goal at least I can say I gave it my all. This is my dream to dream and I will not die wondering. 

A huge thanks to James McCallum who has been my rock over the years and always said to me 'there is more to come'. And Rab Wardell who is missed every single day. I owe both more gratitude than I can ever express. Thank you does not really cut it but it will have to do for now.  

It's impossible, said pride. It's risky, said experience. It's pointless, said reason. Give it a try, whispered the heart.