I DID IT

There is so much to write about the last 8 weeks in Nepal and so much to process, lots of things to share which is beyond this blog. But I wanted to document this feeling I have at the moment, a certain pride, a certain amount of energy and excitement related to 3 simple words : I DID IT.I feel so different than 8 weeks ago when I left for Nepal, and never knew that so much change could happen in a person in such a short time. Only now have I realised how disappointed I was in myself, as a person, as a professional and as an athlete. Warranted or not that feeling of not wanting the life I was living consumed me. I just did not know what it was that made me feel that way and how I could change it. Michael would often say to me that it was the way I looked at things I had to change. I figured out in Nepal it was the way I looked at myself I had to change.Saikalako ended up my dream, my way out, my turning point. I put all my energy, money, spare time and trust into it. It was never really about completing the traverse for me, or a world first. It was about going there and trying every single day to do what I planned on doing to the best of my ability. For weeks on end. It was about not giving up when things got tough. To keep moving forward. And I did exactly that. 

When in the first week it was clear that it was going to be extremely hard, almost impossibly hard and my team mate Karin decided to leave, I thought I had made a huge mistake in pursuing this crazy dream of mine. I felt devastated that it was such a disappointment right from the start. But the more Karin was talking about going home, the more I felt resistance. I had no reason to go home, I wanted to keep going even though we had lost a lot of time and getting to the Eastern border was almost impossible. I wanted to keep going even though being ill had taken a lot of strength out of my body. I wanted to keep going day by day until my time was up and I had to get back on a flight home. Why? Because I felt comfort in the beauty of the mountains, because I was prepared to physically and mentally suffer, I was prepared to dig as deep as I possibly could, because this was the journey I wanted to be on. Because Nepal had captured my heart. 

Beautiful people of Nepal 

By having to go solo I had to step up. I had to face my fears of navigating, and not only navigating but doing that on incredible tough terrain. Overcome my fear of narrow off camber trails,  vertical land slides, steep rocky down hill hike a bike. And do this on my own. I had to believe I could do it. And so I did. And as the days went on, my confidence grew, my strength grew, and my body responded. I can not explain why my chronic pain disappeared during my time in Nepal. Why the strength I knew I had in me but had been lacking for so many years returned. I can not explain why at no point did I feel weak or not fit enough other than the incredible preparation I did with James. And I am not saying that I did not have bad days or that it was all a bed of roses. It was crazily tough, there were tears, there were hissy fits, there were moments of despair. Being so isolated at times, where no one speaks your language and you don’t understand theirs. The physical exhaustion, the mental challenge, it was relentless. But there was something magic in being able to keep moving forward, step by step, pedal stroke by pedal stroke, mountain pass by mountain pass. 

that's me, I did this!

The expedition started to change me, I felt grateful. Grateful for the life I was living, grateful for my friends and Michael and for being able to do what I was doing. The life I felt so disappointed with before Nepal, was now something I really cherished. Thanks to the kind people of Nepal, the beauty of the mountains, the simplicity of being and the hardship I endured during Saikalako I started to feel happiness again. Why? Because after many years of feeling I had failed me, I started to value myself again.

Where as an athlete I felt I had never been able to do what I knew I was capable of doing, during Saikalako I proved to myself what I was physically and mentally capable of. My coach James put it into words for me on return “what you have achieved is indisputable” 7 weeks non stop, roughly 1600kms of technical terrain, 85.000m ascend and multiple passes between 3000-5415m altitude with a loaded bike. I look at pictures from the trip and I think to myself still in a little disbelieve “I did it”

I was asked recently what I learned most from doing this. I learned so many things on so many different levels but after a little bit of processing time I think the most important thing for me is this; I learned that I am very fortunate to live in a country where I am in control of my life and therefor I am in control of my own happiness. I am the driving factor to change things for the better. With that in mind I am going to do things differently professionally to help manage my chronic pain levels and I will keep on working hard to keep on improving physically and mentally in order to be able to keep on chasing my dreams.

Missed these nutters so much!

A huge thank you to anyone who has supported me and believed in me over the years especially Michael, James and my wonderful sister Martje, without a good support crew I would be nowhere! There is loads more to share from this journey but I wanted to write this down for days to come. 

 “It is not the mountain we conquer, it is ourselves” Edmund Hillary