Ten Under The Ben; putting things in perspective

I wanted to write an upbeat blog about overcoming my racing demons at Ten Under The Ben last weekend but after the devastating news of Chris Stirling’s passing, I find myself staring at my computer screen lost for words. But I am going to try.

I have always felt that my ability to turn adversity into something positive was my biggest strength, always looking for a silver lining some how, but lately with age and some of the more recents happenings I have found myself often wondering “what good can come of this?” 

I entered Ten under the Ben, a 10 hours lap format MTB race in Fort William in an attempt to get my racing demons under control. Chronic injury had managed to wipe out my confidence bit by bit and continuous disappointments in my own performance over the last few years had progressed into a lost battle before I even made it to the start line. How could something I loved doing so much make me feel so low at the same time?

I woke up early listening to the rain clattering against the window on race morning with that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach. And the excuses I have used to pull out of races so many times started to accumulate in my head. “My longest ride has only been 3 hours over the winter and now I have to do 10, I am not fit enough” “I am too tired” “I dont feel well” and the thought of the pain I had to endure riding my bike for 10 hours started to make me feel anxious. So why line up? 

 I knew that if I did want to get back into racing I had to overcome this. That the only way to get some race fitness back again was racing. That ultimately this was my passion and I wasn’t ready to let go of it. If there was such a thing as "racers block" I was certainly suffering from it.

Michael who generally does not interfere with my racing had heard this all before, but he also knew how much it meant to me and that I would be disappointed with myself if I pulled out once again. “ just start” he said, “ride your bike for 10 hours and do not care about anything else” He made me promise I would not pull out when I wasn’t performing even if I was coming last.

And whilst Michael was getting ready for a day in the hills, I made my way to the start line. I was so happy to see Paul Cooper’s smiling face when I was aimlessly wondering around trying to find a spot for my box of supplies for the day. He kindly offered his pit. Paul and I had known each other through triathlon racing from when I first moved to Scotland and he knew about my long standing injury history. He had been a good friend to me over the years. “Just go and have fun” he smiled. “you have nothing to prove” 

enjoying the only smooth part of the course!

The course was absolutely brutal, 9ish miles with 350m plus elevation gain per lap, there was only a small section of fire road and the rest of the trails were up, down single track with lots of technical sections to navigate through. No real recovery anywhere. I started at the back and really all I did all day was ride my bike. And I loved it. There was no urgency in my riding and I tried to focus on staying smooth and relaxed. It stood out to me how all the women I met on course were so supportive and I enjoyed riding in their company. At times I wondered if I was coming last and if I was coming last, if I would care, but dismissed the thought quickly because I was quite happy with how I managed to consistently ride lap after lap after lap, hour after hour after hour without slowing down much and really that there wasn’t much more that I wanted to do. It felt nice to just be out there on my own, without any support and just do my thing. 

Chicken soup for the soul

Going on to my 9th lap after 9 hours of racing I was told I only had an hour to complete that lap for it to count. Having ridden a lap in over an hour all day I did not think I had it in me to smash out a last lap in under an hour so I decided to call it a day. Only to find out that I had till 8.30pm to complete the lap when it was only 6.30pm when I finished. I had two hours, not one!! The first thought that came into my head was that I did not stick to my promise to Michael of finishing the full 10 hours and felt a little disappointed!! Luckily he did not mind! Just shy of 120km and 3000m of ascend was a great day out!

suprise podium

Strangely when I found out I had won my category and came 3rd overall female the anxiety I had felt in the morning returned. I did not want to go to prize giving. Preferably I wanted to go home straight away and I struggled to get the negative thoughts in my head under control. What was wrong with me??

I realised that I did not want my performance to be associated with a win or a podium position. For me finishing Ten Under The Ben meant so much more than that. For the first time in a long while I was not disappointed in myself when I crossed the finish line regardless of results. The achievement for me was in showing up, pinning on a number, riding my bike and forgetting about everything else. And I had done exactly that. I did not get caught up in racing, stayed in my comfort zone, nailed the technical descents on some laps, and not so much on others! I had laughed with the volunteers, chatted with fellow riders and shared the pain in the legs over the final laps. Most importantly I had finished with a smile.

Ten Under The Ben training; ski touring in Norway

Earlier this month I made a conscious decision to stop fighting the things which were beyond my control, and try to look at my world in a different light. Be more acceptive. One of the first things I did with that new mindset was reconcile with a friend who I had lost partly through my own negativity. And it felt so good having done that and being able to cherish that friendship again. High level sport often attracts high achieving personalities and we can be so brutally hard on ourselves often not seeing or believing the excellence that other people might see in us. Equally any criticism or feeling of failure is something I know I personally and athlete friends of mine really struggle with. Lacking the ability to just brush it over the shoulder. I see my life very much as a work in progress, taking small steps towards the path I want to be on and turning myself into the person I want to be. 

If Chris’s death can teach us anything, let it be kindness. Kindness towards ourselves, and to others. We never really know what someone is going through. What demons are being fought. Compassion, empathy, kindheartedness is some of the best medicine you can give to someone else and one of the qualities Chris was known and loved for. 

A huge thanks to my coach James who keeps on believing in me when I am not, Michael who never gives up on me, Keith for going out of his way to help me get my tyres sorted the night before the race and all my friends for inspiring me to keep on working on becoming a better human. 

“the human soul does not want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed exactly as it is” Parker Palmer


                                                           RIP my friend