Body in mind; My journey with chronic pain

Pain is complicated in nature and after so many years dealing with it, it has become very personal to me. This is my journey to experience, no one els’s. 

One of the hardest things I have found is when people are trying to make me feel better by saying “just race for the fun of it” or “I have bad weeks in training as well”. If only things were that simple.

Explaining what it feels like to live with chronic pain is not easy and I think it is a different experience for different people. Being an athlete, the pain you feel in your body after a hard week of training or the burning sensation of lactic acid in your legs during high intensity sessions, I call that good pain. Chronic pain is a whole different sensation. It feels like something is very wrong.  The best way I can describe it is like a bad tooth ache in my whole body. I call it bad pain. The worst pain is in my legs. It takes the fun out of everything I do. My philosophy however, is that I would rather be on my bike in pain, or be in the outdoors in pain, than be sitting on the couch or laying in my bed in pain. It is this motivation which keeps me going.

Meeting Rob racing Dukes Weekender 

When I look back at my training diary I started having symptoms after the 2013/2014 season when I tried to combine my career as a veterinarian whilst racing at elite level. I got myself into a chronic state of overtraining and depleted my parasympathetic nervous system. Of the back of that I fractured my back in 2015 in a rather benign bike crash. I ignored the pain until symptoms had become so bad in 2016 that I was told not to run for 12 months and only ride my bike at low intensities. Not being mentally ready for this, I stopped running but kept on riding my bike and started training for MTB stage races guided by coach Rab Wardell who tried everything in his power to slow me down. 

Riding the Dolomites with people like Siegrid easing my chronic pain symptoms

I landed at Whatsyourmeta through Rab, where I started working together with James McCallum and physio Morgan Llyod on getting my strength back after 12 months of what I considered as taking it easy.

Running trails is my chicken soup for the soul

My biggest complaint to my coaches both Rab and James, was that I felt like I could not push myself through threshold intensity in training. Looking back now I was never honest to them or myself about the amount of pain I was in during these sessions. I did not want to be told I had to rest because rest days made me experience more pain. No professional could really explain to me what was going on. It was like my body was blocked. With my primary injuries being kept under control with the help of physio Morgan, I felt that there was only one way to beat it and that was to try harder and fight against it.

Last Summer I experienced the worst pain flare up to date which left me mentally and physically broken. I started having difficult conversations with my coach James questioning if the effort was worth it, and what I was trying to achieve. I was so lucky James got never negative and kept me believing there was a way out even if we could not see it yet. Although he always worried about me, he never gave up on me.

It was during this time Rob Friel reached out to me after having read my blog about racing  an awesome event he organises; The Dukes Weekender . He educated me about chronic pain and it was like a light bulb went on. A million messages, a few phone calls, and a couple of meetings followed. To me Rob is worth his weight in gold. It was like a whole new world opened up. The three key things which made me understand my pain were these;

 1: The brain produces pain as a response to anything that can form a threat to the body, not just physical stressors but also mental stressors, it produces pain in an attempt to protect the body. It relies on previous experiences to decide how much pain to produce.

 2: Pain is not directly related to the amount of physical damage 

 3: Chronic pain often leads to central sensitisation. Which means that the nervous system gets regulated in a persistent state of high reactivity. This state of reactivity lowers the threshold for what causes pain and comes to maintain pain even after the initially injury might have healed.

The way I had been dealing with my pain only caused for more symptoms. On top of a stressful job as an equine veterinarian I had been overloading my body with high intensity training sessions in an attempt to “overcome” my lack of performance. With a central nervous system which was screaming at me to slow down by producing more and more pain. Once I realised that there was a reason for what was going on with me which had nothing to do with my ability, (or in my head lack of ability) as an athlete it was much easier to accept that I had to change my approach.

one day I will get back to this

Understanding where my pain was coming from was the easy part, how to desensitise my central nervous system is the tricky part. Rob and I call my pain “the bear” and the key is to poke the bear enough to make him pay attention and stimulate adaptation but not poking the bear to much, waking him up growling causing more flare ups. 

I started to learn about my pain triggers. My job as a veterinarian being a huge trigger, running was another one, and riding my bike at high intensities/race pace. The cold Scottish climate was not hugely beneficial for my overactive central nervous system either. Once I knew this I tried and adjust to prevent flare ups as much as I could. Backing off my training after a stressful day at work. Choosing turbo over riding outside on cold days and being kinder to myself on bad days. On the bike we started doing consistent sub threshold power sessions, giving threshold power and over a gentle nudge every week.

Although running was a huge trigger. Giving it up was not an option for me. So with Rob’s guidance I started with a 2km run 3xweek rehab program. That distance was increased by 10% each week. I was in quite a lot of pain when I first started. Barely managing the 2km. But with Rob’s support I persevered. 2kms turned into 3, 3 into 4, 4 into 5kms. All the way to 10km’s where I am at now. Once I started to run over 5km’s I started to feel less pain. I was able to lengthen my stride and produce more power. The more I enjoyed it and relaxed I run the less pain I would feel. Interestingly with decreasing pain in my running, my overall pain decreased.

My succes at Ten Under The Ben does not mean by any means that I am "fixed"

This is where I am at now. Finding the right balance is a work in progress. I still get growled at quite a lot by the bear but he is not as loud anymore. I am not sure if I ever will be pain free. Which makes me sad from time to time, because all I long for is to be able to move freely. But as frustrating as it gets, I now understand what is going on. And instead of telling myself to "try harder and push through it” I tell myself to “chill out and stop fighting against the bear" And hopefully one day the bear will stop fighting against me. 

A huge thanks to Rob, James, Morgan and Carol and the team at Whatsyourmeta for the endless support and positiveness. You really have been my rock. Here is to baby steps forward because I am simply not giving up.

“Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see. It is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly “You got this. Keep going”

Ten Under The Ben; putting things in perspective

I wanted to write an upbeat blog about overcoming my racing demons at Ten Under The Ben last weekend but after the devastating news of Chris Stirling’s passing, I find myself staring at my computer screen lost for words. But I am going to try.

I have always felt that my ability to turn adversity into something positive was my biggest strength, always looking for a silver lining some how, but lately with age and some of the more recents happenings I have found myself often wondering “what good can come of this?” 

I entered Ten under the Ben, a 10 hours lap format MTB race in Fort William in an attempt to get my racing demons under control. Chronic injury had managed to wipe out my confidence bit by bit and continuous disappointments in my own performance over the last few years had progressed into a lost battle before I even made it to the start line. How could something I loved doing so much make me feel so low at the same time?

I woke up early listening to the rain clattering against the window on race morning with that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach. And the excuses I have used to pull out of races so many times started to accumulate in my head. “My longest ride has only been 3 hours over the winter and now I have to do 10, I am not fit enough” “I am too tired” “I dont feel well” and the thought of the pain I had to endure riding my bike for 10 hours started to make me feel anxious. So why line up? 

 I knew that if I did want to get back into racing I had to overcome this. That the only way to get some race fitness back again was racing. That ultimately this was my passion and I wasn’t ready to let go of it. If there was such a thing as "racers block" I was certainly suffering from it.

Michael who generally does not interfere with my racing had heard this all before, but he also knew how much it meant to me and that I would be disappointed with myself if I pulled out once again. “ just start” he said, “ride your bike for 10 hours and do not care about anything else” He made me promise I would not pull out when I wasn’t performing even if I was coming last.

And whilst Michael was getting ready for a day in the hills, I made my way to the start line. I was so happy to see Paul Cooper’s smiling face when I was aimlessly wondering around trying to find a spot for my box of supplies for the day. He kindly offered his pit. Paul and I had known each other through triathlon racing from when I first moved to Scotland and he knew about my long standing injury history. He had been a good friend to me over the years. “Just go and have fun” he smiled. “you have nothing to prove” 

enjoying the only smooth part of the course!

The course was absolutely brutal, 9ish miles with 350m plus elevation gain per lap, there was only a small section of fire road and the rest of the trails were up, down single track with lots of technical sections to navigate through. No real recovery anywhere. I started at the back and really all I did all day was ride my bike. And I loved it. There was no urgency in my riding and I tried to focus on staying smooth and relaxed. It stood out to me how all the women I met on course were so supportive and I enjoyed riding in their company. At times I wondered if I was coming last and if I was coming last, if I would care, but dismissed the thought quickly because I was quite happy with how I managed to consistently ride lap after lap after lap, hour after hour after hour without slowing down much and really that there wasn’t much more that I wanted to do. It felt nice to just be out there on my own, without any support and just do my thing. 

Chicken soup for the soul

Going on to my 9th lap after 9 hours of racing I was told I only had an hour to complete that lap for it to count. Having ridden a lap in over an hour all day I did not think I had it in me to smash out a last lap in under an hour so I decided to call it a day. Only to find out that I had till 8.30pm to complete the lap when it was only 6.30pm when I finished. I had two hours, not one!! The first thought that came into my head was that I did not stick to my promise to Michael of finishing the full 10 hours and felt a little disappointed!! Luckily he did not mind! Just shy of 120km and 3000m of ascend was a great day out!

suprise podium

Strangely when I found out I had won my category and came 3rd overall female the anxiety I had felt in the morning returned. I did not want to go to prize giving. Preferably I wanted to go home straight away and I struggled to get the negative thoughts in my head under control. What was wrong with me??

I realised that I did not want my performance to be associated with a win or a podium position. For me finishing Ten Under The Ben meant so much more than that. For the first time in a long while I was not disappointed in myself when I crossed the finish line regardless of results. The achievement for me was in showing up, pinning on a number, riding my bike and forgetting about everything else. And I had done exactly that. I did not get caught up in racing, stayed in my comfort zone, nailed the technical descents on some laps, and not so much on others! I had laughed with the volunteers, chatted with fellow riders and shared the pain in the legs over the final laps. Most importantly I had finished with a smile.

Ten Under The Ben training; ski touring in Norway

Earlier this month I made a conscious decision to stop fighting the things which were beyond my control, and try to look at my world in a different light. Be more acceptive. One of the first things I did with that new mindset was reconcile with a friend who I had lost partly through my own negativity. And it felt so good having done that and being able to cherish that friendship again. High level sport often attracts high achieving personalities and we can be so brutally hard on ourselves often not seeing or believing the excellence that other people might see in us. Equally any criticism or feeling of failure is something I know I personally and athlete friends of mine really struggle with. Lacking the ability to just brush it over the shoulder. I see my life very much as a work in progress, taking small steps towards the path I want to be on and turning myself into the person I want to be. 

If Chris’s death can teach us anything, let it be kindness. Kindness towards ourselves, and to others. We never really know what someone is going through. What demons are being fought. Compassion, empathy, kindheartedness is some of the best medicine you can give to someone else and one of the qualities Chris was known and loved for. 

A huge thanks to my coach James who keeps on believing in me when I am not, Michael who never gives up on me, Keith for going out of his way to help me get my tyres sorted the night before the race and all my friends for inspiring me to keep on working on becoming a better human. 

“the human soul does not want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed exactly as it is” Parker Palmer


                                                           RIP my friend