It has been almost a year since I wrote about having been selected for the Dutch Skimo team with the goal to chase Olympic qualification.
When I read that piece back I was filled with so much enthusiasm, passion and motivation to throw myself in the deep end and compete at the highest level once again, in a sport I had only known for a couple of years.
I have struggled wrapping my head around on what followed during the winter months and giving it a place. I was not sure how to summarise the roller coaster ride I found myself on. The journey of searching for justification of me being there, participating in a world I very much felt like I did not belong to.
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| Paul, Allard and me |
Yet here I am again, another year older and a little wiser but with the same motivation, enthusiasm and passion, going for exactly the same goal as last year. Olympic Qualification for the Winter Olympics in Ski Mountaineering. This time however I have my eyes wide open, knowing exactly what I am getting myself into, determined not to lose myself in the process this time around.
What I love about high level sports, or high level anything really, is that you have to prepare yourself for it, day in, day out. You have to show up rain, hail or shine, there are simply no short cuts. There are no guarantees all the hard work will pay off in the form of podium spots or wins. It takes a certain person who can deal with that. And I find those personality types inspiring, because to be able to be racing at the highest level you have to have both feet on the ground but equally you also have to have the ability to dream and I love that combo.
I certainly do not lack the ability to dream and neither do I lack work ethic. I love training and I love training hard. What I do lack is natural confidence and I am sensitive to criticism. Even though I do not see myself as old, nor do I see me being older as an obstacle to achieve things, society’s perspective and comments made to me started influencing my thoughts and I started having doubts wondering and pondering “am I too old for this?”
Those doubts started to become present in anything and everything I did, every training session, every conversation, in every interaction with the national team and my team mates. I showed up at races feeling ashamed of my age. And feeling ashamed of my age started to expand to being ashamed of who I was. Wanting to chase this massive big dream surrounded by people half my age. This feeling of shame also seeped into my personal life and turned into that horrible feeling of not belonging, a feeling which I knew all too well. Self doubt took over everything I did. I had not felt this way since I first moved to France 3 years ago. In the early parts of the winter I became a shadow of the person I really wanted to be and I started hiding from it all. Giving myself zero chance of succeeding. Also a survival mechanism I had mastered all too well.
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| my Mixed Relay buddy Jens |
I am lucky however to have people in my corner. Even though it was an internal fight I had to figure out myself, having people around who understood, changed everything. So after battling illness, after battling injury, after battling self petty for the first couple of months of the winter, I pulled myself back together and albeit very carefully, I decided to fight my battles in the world again. I took my coach’s advise to go and simply enjoy being able to do this, not everyone has this amazing opportunity. Gain experience, make new friends, and simply enjoy the process without any expectations. At the end of the day it was my choice to do this. Nobody forced me.
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| meeting Marcella in Val Martello |
I decided to race a couple of local races to get some confidence back and then tackle the last couple of World Cups of the season and our own National Championships. I travelled to Italy and raced the world cup in Val Martello where I made friends with the smaller nations of this beautiful sport and soaked up the beauty of the Italian mountains. In the Individual race I got cheered on by the French girls in my last km of the course which felt special. The interesting thing is that it has never been the athletes who made me feel I did not belong. In the sprint I surprised myself with a solid performance and in the mixed relay Jens and I were not far off from qualifying for the A final which was exciting. I went home happy.
Our national champs followed and I felt the pressure to win it but my sister was there to keep me grounded and it was so special to share the podium in the vertical with her. Another weekend well spent.
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| Sprint Val Martello |
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| enjoying days off in Val Martello |
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| when the heart is content |
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| Winning both the Vertical & Individual at the Dutch champs felt extra special sharing the podium with my sister |
The last world cup of the season was in Cortina which was a full week for me, racing all the disciplines. Although there is nothing wrong with coming last at this level, not coming last was my goal. The vertical was steep and hard but I managed to leave a few females behind me. During the individual I survived a bad crash, a broken ski pole but finished strong only just outside of the top 20. The sprint course however pushed me out of my comfort zone on every level possible. A big jump with a wide clearance as the root of the cause. Certain athletes pulled out of the race because of it. I had never jumped before. A crash course in ski jumping in 15 min. At World Cup level. It has been a while since I had been that scared. “Terroriser” as we say it in French. I fell the first time, I only just managed to stay upright the second time and I cleared it during the race. A penalty for missing a slalom gate put me in last place. But I did it.
Only to have to do it all over again in the mixed relay with Jens the following day during a snow storm and no visibility. Which was probably a bonus for me! . Performance wise nothing to write home about but an awesome experience and I returned home with a clear view on what I needed to improve on.
I have to say that I was relieved this was the last World Cup. We had one more final winter dance at our local “World Champs” the Trophee the Hauts Forts which I raced with my friend Agnieska. It showed that although my level at world class might not be that impressive, locally however we destroyed the field taking the win by a solid margin.
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| winning the local Trophee du Hauts Forts with Agnieska |
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| Adventures with Yann |
Spring came and went, filled with ski adventures in the high mountains of Chamonix with my favourite people, I even run into Michael in the middle of the French Alps which made for a nice surprise! I decided not to think about any goals or future plans performance wise for at least a month until I started to feel more like myself.
My coach Emilio gave me lots of freedom to do what I felt like doing, so I followed my heart. I branched out. I worked on opening myself up again. I met a few awesome adventure girls based in Chamonix who made me feel accepted and took me on some incredible climbing adventures. Including a 10hrs epic which ended up running down the mountain in the rain just before darkness hit. I do not think those girls understand or know how much they have helped me find my feet again. And I cannot wait to embark on winter adventures with them.
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| meeting Pri |
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| Alena, Pri and I |
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| on an epic with Christine |
I mixed up hard training with a few running races at which I ticked off personal goals and loads of multi pitch climbing adventures. I discussed going all in chasing Olympic Qualification through the Mixed Relay route with my team mate Jens. This involved setting a budget aside for it and organising time off at work. I put things in place to improve my weaknesses like a season pass to learn how to ski downhill properly, learning how to jump confidently and ski around slalom gates. I started organising equipment so that when snow arrived in the mountains I would be all set up well ahead of the racing season. Thanks to our team manager Alke we were given the opportunity to work together with a mental coach Vera De Reus who I had a lovely chat with.
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| Home |
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| life is good |
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| Yann is an inspiration to me in lots of different ways |
During the last few Summer months the feeling of wanting to disappear has become less and less and I am ready to let go of the expectations put on me which are not my own. I am ready to head into the winter with a willingness to work hard, with a confidence I am allowed to be there, with a sense of humour to keep my feet steady on the ground and with a team players attitude so Jens and I can get the best results possible in the Mixed Relay whatever that may be.
So here I am once again, filled with energy, filled with enthusiasm and passion to get this show on the road. Chasing Olympic qualification with my Dutch team mates. To give it a go. The definition of adventure is not knowing the outcome. Well, this is going to be one hell of an adventure. And this time I am going to do my absolute best to stop apologising for who I am during the process.
A huge thank you to my coach Emilio for listening, understanding and believing, to my sister Martje who gives me wings at times I need it, to Yann for always challenging me to just be myself and figuring out what it is I want and stand for that, to Yann's parents Christine and Maurice for supporting me and treating me like family, to my friends (you know who you are) for accepting me for who I am, to my Dutch team mates for the support especially Paul and Jens for never making me feel any older than they are!
And to the company I work for VET-AI, especially the founders Sarah, Paul and Robert for having created a way for veterinarians to work and pursue their passion at the same time.
Here is to the fools who dream!
The credit belongs to the man who is actually
In the arena
Whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood
Who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again…
And who at the worst, if he fails,
At least fails while daring greatly
Theo Roosevelt