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| One of my favourite stories in sport and the definition of courage; Jenny Risveds comeback |
About 6 weeks ago I tipped myself over the edge just wanting a little too much to soon which resulted in my back giving in, painful muscle spasms and 5 days of couch time. As frustrating as this was, I had been here plenty of times before, I knew it would pass and with the help of my coach James I had no choice but wheel it all back in and go into rehab mode. Of course I felt very sorry for myself in the first couple of days but the difference was that I was very aware that my mind would have a big impact on how quickly this episode would pass. It was important to stay positive. So as soon as I could walk a bit more freely I went to the pool and started swimming, I ventured out on very gently bike rides and where normally I would push and push and push, this time I let my body guide me. And day by day I felt improvement, every time I went out, I could do a little bit more.
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| Back at it, long rides |
It took about a month to feel semi normal again which was followed by a meeting with James to plan our next phase of training for the up coming Nepal expedition. We had still plenty of time so this little physical hiccup did not have a massive effect on the long term plan. But it did make me think a lot about the triggers which causes my pain. For 3 years now I was battling pain flare ups and it certainly did not get any easier getting through daily life as a veterinarian dealing with it. And when my coping mechanisms have always been the outdoors and exercise, the motivation to keep moving whilst in pain had faded a little over the years, making matters worse. It was during these last few weeks whilst I was struggling getting in and out of a car, let alone vaccinating a needle shy horse, that I decided that something had to change. And my health was more important to me than the uncertainty of my professional future. After a long chat with Michael I gathered all the courage I had left within me, went to work the next day and handed in my notice. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in my career. Turning my back on a profession I was once so passionate about and had been working so hard towards from my first childhood memories . And when I drove home that night I felt grief and relief at the same time.
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| facing uncertainty in my professional future, I have only ever been a vet. |
Although I still had to work my 3 months notice, my decision made my head feel a lot clearer heading into the Saikalako expedition. I did not have to worry about going straight from Nepal back to work with the necessary on call catch up over Christmas. Not having a job to go back to meant time for proper recovery, probably for the first time in my athletic career and it felt mentally great. And with a clear mind, my body followed.
“Time for some volume” James response was to that, which meant a two week block of long rides with the Kirroughtree 10 hour MTB race right in the middle of this training block. I can’t say I am a huge fan of racing laps for 10 hours, there is not much adventure in that for me. On top of that it was logistically difficult. Run on Saturday meant I had to rush out of work on Friday to pack up and drive 3 hours prepare everything and ride for 10 hours the next day. Not ideal. But as James said ”this is part of the process, you need to be able to ride tired in Nepal for days on end and mentally learn how to work through that”. So off we went, with already 18 hours of bike riding in my legs over 8 days and a tough week at work, loaded the van with dogs and bikes, Michael and I arrived late at Kirroughtree Forest on Friday night.
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| never without these guys! |
Waking up early morning I knew I had nothing to give but sometimes you hope that once on the bike things will feel better. It did not! We started with a big climb and I felt every single minute of the 18 hours of training in my legs and for the first two laps there was a mental battle going on in my head. Simply put, I wanted to pull out. I did not see the point in this. But that was my racing mind talking. Because what was the point in this? It was riding my bike for 10 hours, physically and mentally battling it out. Not racing. I knew I could ride for 10 hours whilst fatigued, I had done it before. I had to stop trying to be a competitor. So I dropped the pace and tried to get into some sort of rhythm. The course was pretty awesome, even for a lap race! Lots of natural technical single track, cool flowy descents, and gazillion of short punchy climbs (not my strength!). My fellow competitors were equally awesome, the front of the race politely passing whilst sharing words of encouragement without any of the race aggression I had witnessed in similar events. Even Kyle Beattie who was chasing a course record took the time to be supportive! And after 5 hours of racing I finally started to find my groove. In the pit was my friend Marie Meldrum who was racing in a team and has a great way of making me smile “ "just keep on going" she encouraged me "one pedal stroke after the other”. And it simply became a battle between me and myself. I decided 6 laps was enough and then I went onto the 7th lap, calculating time became difficult with a tired mind but I figured out I still had two hours to be able to finish an 8th lap. I was mentally fried “Karin would do another lap” I thought about my best friend who was joining me in Nepal and off I went for another lap. When I finished I had ridden my bike for over 10 hours and felt intensely happy.
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| more volume after the race! |
This was where my satisfaction of racing came from, not beating other people, not winning, not being the best out of a group of people, but beating myself and being the best I could possibly be on that day. At Kirroughtree I succeeded at getting the best out of myself even when circumstances were not ideal. On the day this was good enough for 2nd place solo female and even for a little race this felt awesome because I showed up, toughed it out and I won the battle against my own demons. Huge thanks to all the organisers and volunteers for a great event, the vibe was simply awesome!!
At this point in time I don't really know what my future holds. I don't really know what I want other than beat this chronic pain thing and it has my main focus. Getting my mind happy and healthy again is the goal, and I feel confident that the rest will follow.
"Choose courage over comfort, choose whole hearts over armor. And choose the great adventure of being brave and afraid. At the exact same time" Brene Brown
