And here is to the fools who dream

I remember vividly the last day I spent in Belgium, before I jumped on a plane and started a new life in New Zealand. I was twenty years old and there was a heat wave at the time. I travelled to the Ardennes to enjoy the local rivers for a swim with my sister and a few close friends. I did not want the day to end. On the way home Tanita Tikaram was singing "little sister leaving town" at full capacity through the loud speakers of my fathers green Saab convertible. I was holding tight to my sisters hand and tears were running down our faces. Up to then my sister and I had not been apart for more than 2 weeks at a time. My decision to leave half way through my veterinary degree to the unknown on the other side of the world was not made from a secure, loving and safe place. I was simply running away from sad complicated stories which were my childhood. I was running away from darkness in search of a happy future. I have always had a strong intuitive compass for where I needed to head, seeking opportunities where ever and whenever I could find them. Selfishly sometimes. I still remember vividly how I felt the months leading into making the decision to leave. Feeling trapped, stuck, suffocating in negativity. The realisation that I did not want to live my life like that. That it was simply not enough, that I wanted more. The anxiety, the turbulent waterfall of thoughts, the fear of losing my way in all the sadness, all the grieve, all the pain which was beyond my control. New Zealand became my dream and New Zealand became a reality.

I finished my veterinary degree in NZ and worked with some of the best race horses, a dream had become a reality

Through my journey I have learned that if I really wanted something it was achievable but it did require a huge amount of hard work and trust that it would all work out somehow. Where all those years ago the alternative of staying in Belgium felt unbearable, it never felt like bravery leaving everything behind and changing course. As I have become older it has become harder to take that leap of faith and chase dreams and opportunities although it might have appeared to the outside world that things came easy. Having had no safety net in the form of family, I have always felt huge responsibility for every action I took. When I messed up, it was entirely up to me to bounce back on my feet. Things are a bit more secure now and I know I have people around me who will have my back when things go wrong. Still I hardly ever make big decisions on an impulse.



I developed my passion for sport and outdoors in NZ's beautiful playgrounds

The last couple of years I have lost my way a bit it seems. Where I shared an equal amount of passion for my job as an equine veterinarian and my sporting pursuits, I had lost both whilst overcoming obstacles which were presented to me. Wether these were real obstacles such as injury or a fabric of my own imagination such as the inability to see progress. The more I started to fight reality the cloudier it got in my head.

searching for my own path

I am not sure where my inherent drive comes from but I have always wanted to really love my life, I have always wanted to love my job and the path I chose to be on. Live my passion. I never wanted to just exist, I wanted to live. After having had my fair share of ugly,  I wanted to go in search of beauty. Breath taking experiences, moments of true happiness, moments where every cell in your body would come alive. I wanted a life with all of that. I wanted the possibility to truly feel and not get numbed by the expectations of society. And the more people were insinuating that feeling miserable in your day to day life was all part of it, that work was just work, that what I wanted did not exist, that I would never be happy wherever I ended up, the more I started to fight my surroundings. Feeling like I felt so many years ago, trapped in a world I did not fit in, following a path which was not mine. Urging for freedom, the freedom to dream.

Mountains wherever they are feel like home to me

Following your dream, living your passions, leaving 9-5 jobs, its all so cliche nowadays with people all over social media doing exactly that. Or is it? Staying true to my dreams has been no easy road. All my life my drive has steered me in different directions, sometimes not knowing if I was coming or going. I have lost my way more than once in the process. I have also been criticised for the choices I have made, criticised for who I am in subtle, passive aggressive ways. I have always been foreign in every sense of the word. Truth is, I don't know how to be anyone else, neither do I want to. Even if it takes me a life time to figure it all out, I will keep going, I will keep searching, I will keep exploring, I will keep dreaming.

A combo of bikes, mountains and horses and I am as happy as can be

After a tough past 18 months I have been given a great new job opportunity in which I hope to rekindle with my passion for equine veterinary medicine in an environment better suited to me. Different working hours means creating more time to pursue my passion for sports and outdoor adventures in an attempt to combine the two in a way I have not been brave enough to try before. It is very exciting and scary at the same time. And although it is not how I wanted things to turn out 18 months ago when I made the decision to work for the University (which was a dream in itself), having made the choice to leave has liberated me from a version of myself I really started to dislike. You try, you fail, you learn, you move on. There is no such thing as wasted experiences.

lucky that the most important men in my life share my passion

I feel very lucky that I have people in my life who often give me that final little nudge I need in order to have courage, to take a leap of faith, to trust it will all be ok. My sister has been there all my life always knowing what to say when I fall silent. My partner Michael who just sticks by me no matter what. And friends spread all over the world, Karen Holmes, Karin, Jantiene, Suus, Naomi to name a few, who inspire me on a daily basis to be strong, keep my head held high and march on, to show the grit needed to create a path of my own. Here is to all of you, here is to the ones who dream.
                                                 "And here is to the fools who dream
                                                  Crazy as they may seem
                                                  Here is to the hearts that break
                                                  Here is to the mess we make" Lalaland

There is no better feeling than living your passion even if its just for a day

Starting 2018; What’s next?

After I returned from my incredible journey in the Indian Himalayas a few people asked me the question “what’s next?”

Racing the Hero MTB Himalayas and the challenges I was faced with at the time made it one of my most extreme adventures to date. It was a bit of adjusting afterwards when I returned to "normal life". Spending almost 3 weeks pushing my limits on the rooftop of the world, it was all about the here and now, living in the moment, nothing else really mattered.

Incredible experience racing the Himalayas

When I spoke to my coach Rab planning the next 12 months, he said to me “can you please choose something a little less extreme for 2018” but I am pretty sure he knew that that was never going to happen!!

I have always been a true racer at heart, not to beat people, not to stand on the podium but to search for my own limits, to find out how deep I could really go. And then try and go that little further the next time. Being injured for close to two years and struggling with a body which simply did not cooperate, that mindset had changed a little. And the desire to race everything and anything I could find had been lost in my recovery period.

After been given the ok to run again in November I very ambitiously entered a duathlon which was my last great performance for an overall female win two years ago. Being held in January my multiple layers of ashmei clothing was neatly packed away in my gear bag and my bike was ready to go. But when my alarm went off very early in the morning, I felt sick to the stomach. This was not a bug I had inconveniently caught pre-race but it was simply anxiety. The last couple of years I had raced and trained with continuous pain, pushing every day. The thought of dragging myself through 3 hours of discomfort racing other people made me feel sick (even though my body was on the road to recovery). So I turned off my alarm, rolled over and woke up 2 hours later. It was a glorious winter’s day and although part of me regretted not standing on the start line it felt like the best decision when I took my dog Fynn (who was very happy) to explore some new trails high in the hills near Peebles. I ended up running for 2 hours which after only managing 40-60min in the last 2 months and almost nothing in the last 18 months this was a huge improvement. And with running fitness slightly lacking, I showed myself I was still quite happy to suffer. Just not always with the clock ticking .

 running in the hills with dog Fynn after 18 months of being injured

So with the racing spirit slightly lost what’s next for me in 2018?

 Offroad Finnmark 27^thJuly- 4^th August

Last year I met Naomi Freireich for a coffee to see if I could convince her to race Offroad-Finmark with me. Although it did not fit in her schedule last year and I was probably too injured to give that one a proper crack, Naomi and I got on like a house on fire and have been riding and racing together ever since. When she suggested a few months back that we should do it in 2018, I jumped at it. 700kms in a maximum of 5 days in the North of Norway and no women’s team who have reached the finish line to date, this felt like the perfect challenge for both of us.

A week after meeting we went on our first (of many) MTB adventure together

The ride : Dolomites 16^th-21^st September

Not long after I entered Offroad Finmark I got an email from StrongHer if I was interested in being part of the StrongHer team and ride 900km in the Dolomites with 15.000 meters of ascend in 6 days. Although I had done one road cycling race in my whole sporting career, this was a no brainer. I already did a lot of road cycling for my MTB events and although new to stage racing, I was hooked on multiday adventures with the scenery to match! On top of that, being part of the StrongHer team it meant encouraging other women to join us in the challenge which I really enjoyed doing.  I sincerely hope I can inspire anyone, especially women, through my writing and shared experiences to get on bikes and sign up for The Ride or a similar adventure. Don't die wondering.  

Racing on the skinny tires will be a new challenge

The Yak Attack 3^rd-15^th November

I fell head over heels in love with the Indian Himalayas last year and would love to go back to the Nepalese side this time. I still have to find a way to do work it out financially and being able to get the right amount of time off from my job. But having met the lovely organisers Corinne and Phil I have no doubt it will be another experience which will be engraved in my soul and something I do not want to miss.

Training in Scottish conditions will be good practice for the icy conditions on the high passes of the Himalayas

These are my 3 main projects for 2018. I have always used other races to find form and fitness and together with my coach Rab we will put a schedule together which fits in with my day time job, keeps my body sound and will keep me mentally fresh to enjoy the process. I am lucky to be located in Scotland with lots of endurance races available over demanding hilly terrain which can prepare me for anything. Such as the Strathpuffer  The Dirty Reiver Selkirk MTB Marathon, Glentress Seven to name a few. And may be an international MTB marathon such as the Roc D'Ardenne. On top of that Naomi and I have locked a weekend every month to prepare us for Offroad Finnmark and get used to our individual pace, mind set etc We are looking at riding Scottish classics such as Capital trail, Cape Wrath trail and others to be as tough as we can possibly be on that start line.

Fynn will benefit from my recovery!

With brand new shiny skis staring at me in my living room I am also planning to make the most of the Scottish winter months by exploring the snow-capped Cairngorms and Highlands whilst ski-touring including a little trip to the French Alps for some powder fix. And with my running legs coming back to me, dog Fynn will be spoiled stretching his legs over hilly trails in future.

Finding the love for skitouring 4 years ago in Chamonix

So my answer to the question what’s next? More of the same really, but with a more adventure focus rather than a competitive focus, with people who are likeminded, whilst still pushing my own boundaries wherever I can!  

 Here is to a jam-packed adventurous  2018!

                                              "One can make a day of any size"John Muir