Glentress 7, being pushed over the edge

People who follow my blogs know that I have been really struggling with my races the last couple of years. Fitting it all in, training, racing, working, general life commitments and priorities. I was diagnosed with parasympathetic fatigue syndrome last summer which forced me to have a 6 month break from it all. http://nienkeventures.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/and-then-wheels-came-off-part-two.html In a World Series MTB Marathon Portugal 3 weeks ago, I showed myself a mental strength which I had been lacking and it was one of my most rewarding finishes ever. Unfortunately my body paid the price and I have been struggling with fatigue ever since. Frustrating does not even come close with this what to seem a never ending battle between my mind wanting to push forward but my body simply not being able to follow. And the self-destructing disappointing thoughts that come with it “I am simply not as strong as I once used to be”

I entered Glentress 7 (a 7 hour MTB race in which you ride as many laps as you can in the given time) many months ago as a solo rider, I thought it would be the perfect way to prepare myself for the Mountain Bike Marathon World championships later in June.  3 weeks after the Portugal MTB Marathon it allowed me enough recovery and 4 weeks before Worlds it would be the perfect endurance set. Because of circumstances beyond my control  the race in Portugal ended up taking a real toll mentally and physically. http://nienkeventures.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/a-rainy-day-in-meda100-uci-mountain.html  On hind sight maybe I should have allowed myself more time to bounce back. But the thought “it is not that bad” was so ingrained in me that I just ignored the warning signs. I thought a lot of sleeping and easing up the training the week leading into the race would give me enough rest to get rid of my swollen legs and tired body. “It will be fine” I thought.

I thought wrong. Turned out that my bike recovered much better from Portugal with the great help from Nicholson Cycles than I did. My plan was to start the race hard to practice the MTB Marathon starts at international level and after the first lap settle into a pace I was comfortable holding for 7 hours. I really pushed myself starting hard, ignoring the dead legs and low heart rate, happily reaching the highest point of the course in 2^nd  placed female. The descent started with a steep drop with tree roots and rocks and a sharp turn to the left. I was cruising down comfortably sussing my line out when suddenly  I found myself between two aggressive racing males  trying to overtake who literally  pushed me of my own line resulting in my front tyre hitting a rock and me flying over the handle bars. I quickly jumped on my bike to clear the way for the riders behind me only to notice that my handle bars were on an angle. Male riders were coming up so fast behind me on narrow rocky single track that I was too scared to stop and being crashed into to sort it out. Not ideal to start a technical descent. My confidence hit an all time low and I was surprised how aggressive some of these male riders were. I was riding like a numpty and never really found my flow. For the first 3 hours I was riding in the top 5 with less than 5 minutes between the 5 girls. I knew I would be stronger in the 2^nd half of the race but as I started my 4^th lap I was also aware that my body was not responding, my lower back injury was playing up, I started to feel tingling down the back of my legs and I did not enjoy any of the racing. “What’s the point” I thought. I knew that I was strong enough to be able to finish the race. I also knew that if I would push through I would again be stuck in that big hole of overtraining and it would not do my body any good. I rolled into transition after 4 hours of racing and told Michael “I am done”. A negative cloud of thoughts followed the remainder of the day. I felt like a broken record. Here I was again with a body that was not on the same page as me, creating so many doubts in my mind, making it really hard not to feel like a failure.

My favourite training ground in Scotland

This was not a simple problem that could be fixed by changing my attitude going into a race with the purpose of ‘just to have fun’ as many people have been suggesting. Me not finishing Glentress 7 had nothing to do with too high expectations leading into the race. I was riding with the top end of the female field until I pulled out so I had no reasons to be disappointed with my performance. It was purely about how awful my body felt during the race taking all the enjoyment out of it. I simply did not see the point in keeping on fighting my own body. Racing for me is not about chasing podiums, although it is a nice reward, that is not where my enjoyment lays. For me it is about being the best possible athlete I can be, feeling strong during a race. When I race like that it does not matter where I place, as I simply can not perform any better or go any faster.  But I have not been anywhere near racing that level for two years now. And there is only so much mental strength one can have to pull a non cooperative body through an endurance race. I have reached that limit too many times in the last couple of years. So how long do I keep trying for? keep battling? keep suffering? When is it time to say enough is enough?

Being chased by Fynn and Michael on the bike

After a sleepless night I woke up to a very sunny Scotland. Michael, dog Fynn and I went for a beautiful run along Queens Ferry foreshore along beautiful park trails. Chicken soup for the soul. How lucky am I to have these two by my side. Michael and I had stayed in Edinburgh to meet up with my Ashmei Team mate Owain Williams and his wife Mandy for lunch on Sunday. This is still my most favourite part of racing, meeting other athletes, hearing their stories and the battles they had to overcome. Connecting. I am not sure where I will or can go from here. What I do know is that I love being part of this world of racing, ambitions, dreams, goals and aspirations and I am not ready to turn my back on it just yet.
"And so you touch this limit, something happens and you can suddenly go a little bit further, with your mind power, your determination, your instinct and experience as well, you can fly very high" Arton Senna

A rainy day in the Meda100, a UCI Mountain Bike Marathon World series event

I am very proudly associated with two organisations driven by powerful strong women. One is my ambassadorship with Strongher http://www.strongher.cc/ and the other is my role as creative director for a small but feisty off road female team Aloha racing www.aloharacing.com  Both groups promote and want to grow the exposure of women in sport through the media with the ultimate goal to achieve gender equality in sports. I personally have already noticed the level of women racing becoming a lot higher in the last few years and racing at elite level becoming very professional.

This is absolutely great for the sport. The downside is that it has become a lot harder for a non professional to compete at elite level. For me personally it is not the day to day training which I find challenging, I am a motivated person enough to fit it all in around a busy full time work schedule. It is the lack of recovery I am struggling with. When my training starts to unwind before a big race, I finally have more time to organise everything and find myself running  around to the bike shop to get my bike sorted, washing my clothes, preparing my race kit, organising flights, accommodation, race nutrition and pack everything before rushing out of work to make it in time to the airport. This is my life and I love it, but as my priorities have changed, so has the desire to keep on battling away at the back of the pack of an international elite field of athletes.

Whilst I was preparing for a MTB Marathon World Series race in Portugal in an attempt to qualify for the MTB World Championships, I also decided that this would be my last season chasing the elite dream. Although it had taken me a while to get here, I was finally ready to let go.

With this in mind I felt very relaxed about the days ahead. It was a long travel to the picturesque little village Longroiva, Meda.  I stayed at the beautiful event hotel Longroiva Rural. The service I received from all the staff during my stay was second to none; I cannot thank them enough for all their help. Unfortunately it rained from the moment I set foot in Portugal. I explored the beautiful trails of Meda, regardless of the weather, which meandered through endless little vineyards set around the river Douro. It was an amazing place to be.

Jeff coming to the rescue for last minute bike repairs

Saturday before the race I caught up with Jeff Bossler. Jeff had received legendary status after winning the Cape Epic MTB stage race earlier in the year and it was nice to see his friendly face after spending a few day’s alone. Old Friends made through the MarathonMTB network catching up! We decided that this was what it was all about, riding with friends rather than racing against world’s best.

Exploring the beautiful trails of Meda

The rain never stopped since I had arrived.  So there I was on the start line wearing my summer kit with dry tyres on the bike. Not ideal. The start included the shorter races and when the gun went off it seemed like an explosion of riders. I did not start very well and it took me a while to wave through the field and settle in a little group with another female rider. The course was saturated with water and had turned into a mud bath. I was moving along ok until I heard a big bang and my bike came to a screaming halt. “Race over” I thought. I manually untangled the chain which to my surprise was still intact. However my gears were non-functional and I had to manually move the chain to change gears.70 km’s to go. The conditions were extreme; there were mud waterfalls on the climbs, mud rivers on the flat and torrential rain pouring down with freezing strong winds. The notoriously tough muddy Selkirk MTB Marathon in the Scottish Borders had nothing on this race. I got so cold that at one point I wondered if I could actually finish. The irony of it all, a DFN in Portugal due to hypothermia from a Scottish based rider.

One of the most comfortable kit I have ever worn by Ashmei

A few km’s further I got hit by a small mud covered rock in my face. A sharp excruciating pain took over my right eye and I kept riding with my eye closed hoping for the best. I don’t know how I kept going but I did. I washed my eyes out at the technical zone’s which would relieve the pain for a few minutes. Everything turned into a blur, literally. My bike was barely working and my body was running on empty. The last 10km’s were a never never-ending steep mud climb which felt like riding through treacle. I cried myself to the finish line; all I knew was that I had not given up. I aimed straight for the firemen and asked for help, at this point I had lost complete vision out of my right eye. “Where is your team?” they asked me “I am my team” I answered” Within an hour, my eye was looked at and treated by a doctor, my bike washed by a team of firemen (was I dreaming?) and I was dropped back at the hotel. Big thanks to the Pompiers of Meda and especially the lovely Patricia for being absolute heroes. Back at the hotel I soaked my tired body in a hot bath and felt half human again, “I had not given up” I thought to myself.

When I looked up the results online,  I did not see my name. My heart sank. This could not be happening. Within 5 minutes I had written many emails to the organisers and begged Jeff to help me sort this out. I needed official recognition that I had not given up. After the hell I went through with a broken bike and a broken eye, I deserved this.

The after math, a corneal scratch and a whole heap of mud

After what seemed an endless wait I cannot thank the organiser Joaquim enough for his persistence to prove to the UCI that I had met all the regulations of the race and amongst many DNF’s finished in 12^th place. I was included in the results. 6 hours and 55 minutes of suffering had gained me automatic qualification into the UCI Mountain Bike  World championships. Mission complete.                                   Another chance to wear the national kit at an World Championship

It was not until I came home that I had an immense feeling of satisfaction, not necessarily of gaining entry into the world championships, because let’s face it; I am only a tourist at that level. It was not about that. It was about the mental determination and strength I had shown by finishing this insanely brutal race. And I had done it with no support. A strength I felt I had lacked in recent years, but which I believed defined me as a person. After two years of having been disappointed in myself I finally felt truly proud of what I had achieved.

“It is within herself she finds the strength she needs”

Happy being back in Scotland enjoying some sunshine and friends!