2 years in Scotland, Christmas lights and new plans for 2016

Suddenly it was October again. I had been in Scotland 2 years and what better way to celebrate my anniversary at my good friend Will and now his brand new wife Patti’s wedding. My UK journey began with a cycling trip to France with Will and his best friend Sam before starting my job almost exactly to the date of his wedding day. I also got to meet the lovely Patty on this trip. I embarked on a holiday without knowing either Sam or Will very well at the time but it ended up one of those adventures of a life time, one which I will treasure forever in my heart. Friendships for life were formed and a blog was written;
http://marathonmtb.com/2013/10/29/cingles-du-ventoux-a-bucketlist-experience/

Sam, Will and I on top of Ventoux for the 3rd time that day after which we belonged to the Cingles Du Ventoux tribe

It has become so easy to feel anonymous the way I have meandered around the world. For many years now I have had no physical place I call home or can come home to,  although not short of friends I have never belonged to a core group of people who share history, heck I don’t even really belong to a nationality! To be part of such an important day in Will and Patty’s life felt therefore very special and for me it proved that opening up a little to the right people at the right time could give a certain feeling of belonging. A lesson Scotland had taught me well in the last couple of years.

Delighted to be invited to Will's wedding together with Michael and although Will and I meet each other generally in sports gear, this time I left the lycra home and wore a dress

On one hand it was hard to believe that it had been 2 years since I left Australia to pursue my dreams. http://marathonmtb.com/2013/03/28/taking-the-next-step-going-pro/
Where had time gone? On the other hand it felt like so much had happened, so much had changed, it had been such a roller coaster ride, had it really only been two years?
Will and Patti's wedding must have been one of the high lights of my year after which way to quickly November and December rolled in. 
The day's had become colder and darker, there was snow on top of the hills, the sun had started to play hide and seek (although this is a common occurrence in Scotland) and Christmas had taken over the radio, shopping centres and our living rooms. I am one of those people who would rather skip this time of the year. Straight to January please. Whilst I am writing this blog I am looking at our Christmas tree in the living room and festive decorations on the mantle piece. There is no escaping Christmas living with an idealist like Michael. I am sure he still believes Santa will drop down the chimney on Christmas Eve to bring us presents. There are many people out there who for personal reasons struggle with Christmas and I am one of them. But Michael, and all the lovely people I have met in Scotland the last two years have made it a hell of a lot easier!

With a lack of a family home, for me, home is where the heart is

It is that time of the year again where we reflect, accept and make new plans for 2016. This year was another tough one for me; I am not going to lie about it. After a disappointing racing season in 2014, 2015 was going to be my year, but once again it fell to pieces. After spending the last 3-4 months unstructured training, "moving" would be the better word, I am really eager to start again. Unfortunately my body is still really struggling with fatigue which I have found hard to deal with. My mind and body are not on the same page. Where normally I would push through, reluctantly I have had to back off. If I want to beat this thing then the only answer is rest, and for someone like me this is extremely difficult. I look at pictures of me racing back in 2013 and I wonder, will I ever be that strong again.

Coming 5th Elite female in the Xterra European series in 2013 seems like a distanced memory now

I have found it even more frustrating and difficult to explain it to people around me who try to comfort me with comments like "you are getting older" and "may be it is time to settle down and start a family" I understand it is not maliciously intended but not all people are blessed with that option or is it something they inspire to do. It definitely makes me more stubborn to prove the non-believers wrong, I will be back, age is no barrier unless you make it one yourself.

                                   

                                                           Back to snow on the hills!

What are my plans for 2016? I am very happy to be part of http://aloharacing.com/  again!

Aloha is an off-road female only team , with which we try to inspire females to jump on a bike, go for a run, feel the water and give racing a go. We are bunch of off-road athletes scattered around the world connected by a passion for the outdoors.

I feel very lucky to have http://flareclothingco.com/ making me look good again for 2016, their colourful MTB clothing make a nice change from all the lycra, plus the girls on the team are plain awesome!!

                                       

                                                  The cool colours of Flare

I am looking forward to spending time in the French mountains with coach Nico at the end of January, where I will as he puts it be 'reborn'. Other than a great coach, Nico has been a great friend to me, we have made a pact that we would stick by each other until there are tears of joy after a race rather than tears of frustration. I love the philosophy of his coaching company http://www.organicoach.fr/ENG/ and after two season's hopefully 2016 will be third time lucky!!

The most important thing for me next season is to feel physically normal and strong again. I will have to be careful not to push myself back in that hole of overtraining. I started the sport very late in life and I suppose I tried to cheat time, make up for the lack of experience and lack of mileage in my body by training as much as I could around the hours of being an equine veterinarian.  This did not work, I have learnt a very hard lesson and I am determined to not let it happen again. I am a racer though so off course I have goals for 2016. I would love to make it back to the start line of the UCI MTB Marathon World Championships which are held in France next year, I also have a few Xterra's on the calendar including the  Xterra World Championships on Maui, but it will all depend on how I recover. As airy fairy as it sounds, I have to  find a way to re-connect with my body again!

Dare a little

I am very lucky to have some amazing friends all over the world but especially the ones I deal with on a daily basis and stand by this chaotic roller coaster life of mine. After bad performances

they would patiently comfort me by saying things like “you should be proud of being able to reach the start line of a World Championships representing your country regardless of the results, many people can only dream of that.”  and stubborn me would immediately dismiss their kindness in my head by thinking “they don’t understand.”  But as I am getting older (although I don't like to admit this) and slightly wiser I am also starting to be a little kinder to myself and try to be proud of what I have achieved rather than always concentrating on what I haven't been able to. In the scheme of things when I look back on the last 12 months, really what do I have to complain about? A few pictures to reflect another adventure filled year.

"strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will" Ghandi

Becoming part of Team Flare and making great friends

                                        

                                        

                                                           Showing form on the MTB

                

                                   

                                    Spending numerous adventures with this amazing man

                

                                                        

Being back in Europe meant a long weekend in the Alps in March!

My passion for horses and my passion for sports is equally strong

My first podium for Flare coming 2nd in the overall Bowhill Winter Duathlon series

My first UCI MTB Marathon World cup in Belgium in May, one of the most competitive cycling countries in the World where I raced my heart out and walked away with an 18th place and a ticket to the World Champs in Italy

Slowly reconnecting with long lost family, my cousin Theo supporting me in Belgium and who now has bought a serious race MTB, two Oostra's racing watch out!!

  Teaming up with the lovely Marie Meldrum in Ten Under the Ben and taking out the women's race a week before MTB Worlds

Confirmation from the Dutch MTB Federation representing the Netherlands at the World Champs in Italy was a magic feeling

What an experience racing World champs in the Dutch colours

The most brutal race I have ever ridden, I was disappointed with a bad race for 57th but when I think about it I would probably not have been capable of riding this course two years ago, I have come a long way in the marathon discipline

one of my few podiums spots in a road triathlon, Glencoe half ironman

The mighty Inferno, the memory still makes my heart bleed. You broke me but I will be back for you

Catching up with one of my favourite people in my life, Lexie. If only you lived closer

The first thing I did after cutting my racing season short thanks to great friends I could smile again

Scotland with all your wilderness, I love you

 Fynn, picture speaks a thousand words

Racing the Dutch National Marathon champs after a month off the bike, loved it

Getting to know this super star, Jantiene

what better way than trying a new sport during the winter! picked up a 2nd hand cx bike after Will's wedding

Doesn't matter I am not very fast at this cx business! Thanks to Flare, Aloha and http://www.bigbobblehats.co.uk/ at least I look good!!

                                    

Learning new bike skills, I did manage to ride that towards the end of the race!!

Lucky to have colleagues who are also my close friends

"as soon as I met you, I knew an adventure was going to happen" Milne

Racing a national round of the cyclo cross series : A new addiction

 In the lead up to the MTB Marathon World Championships I got in touch with speedy fellow Dutchy Sanne Van Paassen.  Sanne was an absolute champion in the world of cylco-cross, making her way back to the top after 2 years of being injured. I started reading her blog, got intrigued by her passion for the sport and before I knew it I found myself watching the first Cyclo Cross World Cup of the season in Las Vegas on live streaming.
“I have bought a cyclo cross bike on ebay” I heard myself  say to Michael who looked at me with a surprised expression on his face “I thought you meant to be resting this winter” he replied. “yeah, but this way I won’t ruin my MTB in the mud and snow on winter rides” I defended myself. I was back to owning 4 bikes. Two weeks later I found myself entering the second round of the Scottish National Cyclo Cross Series. When I told Michael, my excuse was that the race was only an hour away from home. “I won’t be training for it” I reassured him.

Picking up the bike on the way back from Will Hayters wedding weekend

I had managed 3 rides to get used to my Canondale CAADX bike before the race and I was hooked. Although I had been sitting on the fence for a long time in relation to cyclo cross finding it a bit of a strange sport, being a mix between mountain biking and road cycling. I never understood what people liked about it. And then I rode my cx bike for the first time. I absolutely loved it. I had bought an introductory bike which I am sure felt a lot heavier than my MTB but it rode like a treat and I was very excited about finding my way into a new sport.

How you suppose to look on a cx bike : Sanne Van Paassen

Race day arrived and I was nervous for the unknown but very relaxed in every other way. I was not a sprinter by any means and the 45 minutes of racing was going to be about 4hrs to short for me. I felt, for me, very unfit and knew I was racing girls from a descent level coming from top road backgrounds (including Common Wealth Games cyclists) and MTB back grounds. Some of the girls were very experienced in this discipline. Finishing last was very possible and I was ok with that. I met Lizzy Adams before the race who so kindly brought a spare tube for me after I discovered the night before I had a flat and no spares to replace it with! Through her I got introduced to the lovely Cathy Wyse  another machine on the bike and not much later we run into the bubbly Marie Meldrum. I got given pointers and advise in the warm up of which I was very appreciative and the girls explained the format of racing to me. I felt ready for the start!!

How I look on a cx bike

Whilst riding the course I discovered that my nearly slick tires which came with the bike were less than ideal but it made me giggle slipping through corners and having absolutely no control in the mud! At one point in the race I was going full bore on a flat wet and muddy bit of grass and my bike was actually not moving forward!! New tires have been ordered.

Getting off and on the bike fast is a challenge!!

I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun racing!! I loved every minute of my first cyclo cross experience and almost felt disappointed when the race was over. I felt like a kid again!! It was twisty and fast, up and down, tree roots, little drop off, hurdles, off camper mud, mud and more mud! I gained a bit more confidence every lap, cornering a little tighter, getting off and on the bike clearing the hurdles a little faster. I learned so much in 45 minutes of racing!! And very excitingly I did not finish last!!

Marie and I went for an easy 20 minute run post race which felt so refreshing. Like always it was lovely to catch up with Marie, comparing our experiences of the 2015 season with our highs and lows and making new plan’s for 2016.

wearing my Flare top was perfect for this race

It would have been so easy to fall back into the trap of training hard because this race definitely stoked  up my fire again to become fitter and faster. But I am fully aware that that was not part of the plan, and it would not do me any good looking ahead. Instead of clocking up serious amount of hours on the bike, I will be sticking to my plan of staying mostly on the couch this winter. And instead of getting faster by fitness, I will try and improve by  working on my skill’s, racing that little more efficient, that little (or a lot) smoother and going that little faster. The nicest thing about it all is that it will be completely without pressure or expectation's I put on myself.

“Will you come to the next round” asked Lizzy after the race “Hell yes, I had so much fun!!” I answered with probably the biggest smile on my face post race I have had in a long long time. At the end of the day, I am a racer, I love it, it is in my blood. Fit, unfit, fast, slow, good or bad, there is nothing better than the feeling of improvement within a race at whatever level.

“Today you are YOU, that is TRUER than true. There is NO ONE alive who is YOUER than YOU” Dr Seuss

  
 
 

And then the wheels came off-part two

The last few weeks have been interesting. I have gone from day’s where I looked up races to attack, to day’s where I was ready to put my bikes on Ebay. Day's where I was ready to take on the world to day's where I was a sobbing mess. It was thanks to great friends who reached out and would mirror my thoughts that I started to think clearly again. Friends who had been through similar emotions and understood. Friends like Jantienne who with her brutal honesty simply made me question what I was doing as to her it did not look like something which was bringing me joy. She had been reading my blogs and pointed out this had been going on for 2 years now. So I did the same, went through my blogs and realised I was in exactly the same place if not in a worse place than I found myself 12 months ago. I am a veterinarian, I am supposed to be smart, but for a smart person I have been extremely stupid. I managed to dig myself the same big hole I was in last season. On hind sight I probably never managed to get out of it. I never intended to write a 'And then the wheels came off-part two' after writing http://nienkeventures.blogspot.co.uk/2014/08/and-then-wheels-came-off.html

Training in Scotland is often lonely and I have been missing the camaraderie and support I had when I was part of MarathonMTB

The word ‘overtraining’ to me is like a swear word, I even know coaches who don’t really believe in the concept. But I heard it around me for the last couple of years, people suggesting that I was exactly that : overtrained. Strangely enough for me as an athlete it was much easier to accept that I was simply not good enough and use that as a reason for my under performance than the realisation that I needed a rest. The solution for not being good enough, is training harder you see, when the solution for being overtrained is complete rest.

'Resting day's' are spend hill walking with Michael

Last year I thought it was all in my head, my own confidence which slowed me down, the change in jobs, countries, hemispheres and the transition to elite racing in Europe which had intimidated me. The only physical sign other than fatigue was a very low heart rate. When I questioned people about my low heart rate and the inability to be able to push my HR to levels I would normally train at, I would generally get answers like ‘your legs must be to weak’ ‘you must be getting fitter’ or people not really having an answer at all. It worried me last year, for a pace I was normally sitting at 140-150 bpm, I was now sitting at 125 bpm and when I had to push it into 155-160bpm I would not be able to hold it for longer than a few minutes whilst the perceived effort was far greater, like I was going all out rather than a tempo effort. This caused for the biggest frustration in my training. I got tested last year and asked the cardiologist about this who had no answers as I tested fine for a 20min test, and although yes my heart rate was naturally low it was responding appropriately to exercise. I had not trained for 2 weeks when I did the test however.

Open water swimming in Scotland is a challenge due to the cold
With the all clear from cardiologists and respiratory specialists last year I was happy to start my winter training, thinking I had it all under control. I was forced to take a month off due to a nasty concussion after a fall of the MTB in my last race of the season and for me that counted as rest. As a medical person I should have known that it takes a lot of energy for a body to heal, and I could not count that as proper rest. And to be honest, my way of resting was following Michael up Munro’s in Scotland’s demanding weather conditions.

A great start of the season qualifying for MTB World Champs with an injured back

This season it went from bad to worse, my body was trying to slow me down. First I suffered a lower back injury early in the year due to which in my eyes I lost a lot of training and tried to make up for it with extra (not instructed by Nico) sessions.

With the MTB World Champs ahead of me and the Inferno later in August, I was ready to really attack the training. I ignored the warning signs of my at times very low HR and decided it was just me. I had day’s where I  was back in my normal HR zones but as the season progressed and I was getting more fatigued I stopped using the HR monitor as it demotivated me. I wanted it so bad that I was fooling myself. And doing most session with only dog Fynn as a witness, there was no one really there to say ‘stop’

Proud to represent the Netherlands at the World champs but it came with a toll

Close to the Inferno I had sessions where I felt like fainting and routinely my lips turned blue after a big day out on the bike or run. Looking back now I was very bad with nutrition during training, organising food costs time, and food shopping was the first thing which I would ban from the to do list (apart from the dishes and vacuum cleaning) There were 5hrs rides which I would do on just one banana. Often I had to back a ride like that up with another 5-6hrs training session the next day with a depleted body. On average I had been training 18hrs/week on top of a 40-50hrs work week and I had been doing that week in week out for almost 3 years. My GI system went into protest and I started to have stomach pains which would not resolve and would leave me paralised at times. I could not process food properly anymore. But even that I ended up ignoring.

The Inferno disaster was the last drop. Its failure was a combination of circumstances but the stress involved had pushed me into a complete (lucky for me) short lived melt down. I had barely enough energy to get to work every morning. When I told Nico that I did not understand why I was so tired and why I was not performing, he answered “I think you are the only one who does not understand, the demands that come with your job as a veterinarian, the pressure you put on yourself, and the conditions you train under are tough enough to push anyone over the edge.

Longing for the feeling of being able to lead a bunch of men up a hill

My friend Jantiene mentioned the word ‘burnout’, she made me open my eyes. Reluctantly I googled the words ‘overtraining’ ‘burnout’. Words which made me feel weak, soft, incapable. Words I really did not want to be associated with. I stumbled upon a couple of great articles which could explain exactly the way I felt. This first paragraph from a blog by troyshellhamer.blogspot.co.uk hit the nail on the head.
‘Why can't I get my heart rate up to its usual rate on my run or ride?" "Why is my heart rate so much lower than usual when I work out?" Scour the internet, try to find why you can't perform a given workout at your usual heart rate, and you will almost definitely be misled. The form of overtraining most endurance athletes are most susceptible to is rarely discussed. In turn, a form of overtraining with completely opposing signs and symptoms is discussed. This drives endurance athletes whom are overtrained or on the verge of being overtrained to keep on digging that dangerous hole which is overtraining, and prevents them from reaching their potential’

Its the best feeling when you can really push your body to hurt, its a different kind of hurting than the fatigue due to overtraining

In another scientific paper I found more information on these symptoms being caused by a tired parasympathetic system. This paragraph which explained all my symptoms.  
“The parasympathetic nervous system is also called the autonomic nervous system and controls vegetative functions such as making your heart beat, controlling breathing and digestive functions. Parasympathetic dominant symptoms include the resting heart rate ‘appearing’ normal but failing to rise easily during an effort. When the effort is reduced the heart rate falls very quickly. Many athletes mistakenly interpret this as a sign of being very fit, but their performance is poor. Other symptoms include feeling spacey, fast gastric transit time, incomplete evacuation of the stool and disturbed sleep patterns.”

I emailed good friend and very experienced coach Alister Russell. He knew me well, he was the one who turned me from a weekend warrior into an athlete.He also had access to lots of scientific papers and working closely together  to D-squad legend Darren Smith, I knew he would be the one to ask what to do next.

His response was “well done! not ,many people manage to really overtrain. Most get a bit tired and back off. So you are part of a fairly exclusive club. The not so good news is that the only way out of it is absolute rest for at least a month if not longer"

The first thing I did now I had time and did not have to worry about injury it was going back to my first love

So that’s it, I am overtrained, depleted my parasympathetic system. Probably not a great surprise to the people who are close to me. I still hate the words, and I am still uncomfortable with the diagnosis. I have to learn to do nothing, to rest, to trust its ok. To let go. I am at that stage where I have no choice or I will have to make this hole my home.
Big thank you to all the people reaching out to me and making me face reality. Strangely enough I am looking forward to give it one more go next season. But first a few months where I have to  embrace being lazy and beat this 'overtraining thing'

“Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha”