I almost decided to pull out of the world championships after I raced my heart out to qualify and my body not recovering adequately afterwards. I was left feeling fatigued with a sacral iliac injury I was struggling to get rid off. It had extended into my gluteals with shooting pins and needles down my hamstrings. I had not been able to run pain free and therefore cancelled Xterra France, but World Champs was a tough one to decide. The only reason I would not start was out of fear of looking like a fool being so far of the pace of the top athletes. I knew I was more than capable of riding the course, I was just aware my body was in no shape to actually race it.
My older sister and I were inseparable
I have always refused to be defined by what happened to me in my past, no matter what, I would aim for the stars, following my dreams and living life to the fullest. I always felt that the darkness I had seen, turned me into a stronger person. But sitting on the plane high in the sky letting the news of my dad find a place in my thoughts I also realised I had become exactly what I never wanted to, a victim of circumstances. I am not sure if the return to Europe after having been away for over 15 years confronted me with so many dark memories and the reconnection with family had opened many old wounds. I felt a certain sadness which I had tried to avoid all my life had creeped into my veins some how. There and then I decided I was going to race the world championships.
I was going to race it as a symbol for what my sister and I had achieved in our lives despite of our history. I was riding for him, my farther. As his brain cells were slowly disintegrating so was his personality and the man who he once was, was no longer in this world. In a strange way it made me feel free.
Although nerves did take over leading into the race including that horrible feeling of not belonging, I kept holding on to the thought of racing it purely for me. With the strength I gained through life. And as we set off cheered on by many spectators on the side line the race became my journey. I embraced every corner, every drop, every hill, every technical obstacle (even a crash!) with positivity. Overcoming pain, struggles, anxiety and anger, km by km I conquered the course. I thought of my life, my sister, my future and this race suddenly did not matter to me anymore, it did not matter I could not keep up with the main pack, suddenly I felt good enough by just being me. Without having to prove myself amongst a bunch of elite athletes. I knew myself what I was capable of. I simply did not need it anymore, and although it had taken me a long time to get to this point I was finally able to let go. At every aid station I was greeted by Michaels smiling face and encouraging words. The crowd was amazing and every now and then I was overwhelmed by the buzzing realisation I was racing in a world championship in my Dutch National kit
Mission complete finishing in 48th placeThe last 10km I struggled and I must admit there were some tears, my body was now pretty much done and on such an unforgiving course I was aching all over. But I was there, and I made it, I saw the finishing chute and Michael, the sound of my name through the speakers telling me 48th elite female. Although relatively speaking this did not mean much since I was so far behind the front pace, it still felt like an achievement. Little old me 48th in the world. Everything came to a halt and the sense of relief was immense. More tears.
I rode the world championships in the name of my father, leaving all the sadness he caused behind on the trails of Laissac. As the world championships course there still will be endless ups and downs to come in future but I will be a victim no more.
one of Michael and mine life time plans is climbing all 4000m peaks in Europe
"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have"